Immunity

Sometimes, I like to pull headphones over my ears with no sound playing just to experience the silence. The inner noises within my head of my breathing in and out, the muffled typing, there is something surreal yet comforting about it.

It is a quiet Sunday afternoon. The lights are off, the clouds are still aglow from the sunshine which is trying to get through but will soon be setting. I look out of our back window to see leafless trees, scaffolding on opposing houses, planes taking off in the distance. So much I was going to do over this weekend and I don't feel i've come close to tackling any of them. It has still be very pleasant though and I'm enjoying having an afternoon to myself to do whatever I like with. There is still time for me to make an indent on something, perhaps my CV or create a new cover letter of some sort. Just need to get that feeling of control back, I think by having a look about and seeing what's out there will help me feel a bit of that again.

I've just got back from meeting with Ed, we met at a cool coffee shop and had a nice catch up on things we've missed recently. It was a lovely atmosphere, the sort of place where looking about everyone seemed so nice, so fine, confident, just having a lovely lil Sunday. They were all the sort of folk who you'd feel would make good fiends. Coffee and chat go so well together and he is so easy to talk to. He was telling me that recently he's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which was a bit of a surprise to both him and me. I know he had been going to the doctors about a few concerns he'd been having, but he told me it involved a little bit more talking/analyzing than that. My heart wrenched a bit, because even though I knew he suffered the same way I did with anxiety, I didn't know he'd been down about things too. I was happy he could confide in me though, and he advised I should go to the GP and organise something similar as he felt better for knowing what he had been experiencing had a name to it. Maybe I will. I really hope he'll be okay, and I hope he'll remember that I'll always be there for him if he needs me. I'm lucky to have him and so proud...

I feel thoughtful and in the mood to ponder. I want these feelings to evolve into a wave of creativity but I feel i've too many distracting things going on in the back of my mind that keep pulling me back to emotional square one again. But that's okay, but I do hope I'll get my creative mojo back soon and stop ignoring my cluttered desk of once-started sketchbooks and dusty art materials. I walk past it but wish I could just get my teeth into it and finally get something I like underway. There's always an excuse.

'What makes you happy?' is the question I keep asking myself recently, it feels as though I really need to sit and have a brainstorm about what that question really means to me. Fears, worries, soon to be revelations are encouraging me to think about this seriously because there are a lot of future based things that hang on the answer. The other half of my mind will throw in the curve ball 'live in the moment' sort of phrase, but being true to myself I just don't live like that. I'm very much an analyse, a weigher-upper, a 'draw up a list' kinda girl who needs to see it written out first before planning the next stage - whatever that may be. I love the spirit of the phrase but it also puts me very on edge. I believe that I just don't have it in my genetic build up to allow fate to lay the path effortlessly for me. But then maybe it's my very mindset that's holding me back. All I know is that I've too much I don't want to loose to contemplate just throwing it all up in the air once again.

Happiness seems to have a few layers as does life in general. For me to feel completely happy, all bases need to be covered. Work needs to be fulfilling to me, gratifying on some sort of level. I want to feel as though what i'm doing is making a difference somehow, perhaps involving communication, rapour, charm, all the things that I certainly don't feel I'm doing now. I want to play to my strengths, I want a challenge and the chance for a bit of progression perhaps.
But then, it doesn't need to be high flying or have 6 figures attached to it. Something as simple as working in a bar, just something that brings me close to other humans once again! So, I know I need to get back out there again because without having some sort of job satisfaction it'll wear me away so much. Work will get busier soon and that will be pleasantly distracting (and maybe not so pleasant at times,) but maybe in the summer.
My relationship with family, friends and boyfriend is also way up high on the list of happiness - in fact, the number one to be honest.
The past year really has been amazing, I live with the most wonderful man who brings me such joy. I feel so content when I'm around him, I just want to be constantly wrapped around him, engrossed in his life, help him accomplish his goals and dreams, just want to make him as happy as possible. It is a very real love I would never have imagined having but I am everso grateful for. I don't want to loose what we have, I only want to carry on building a better life and future for each other. I want a family with him, so very much indeed. I know he wants one to, but I know it's not on his agenda now, which is fair enough. I'm trying to ignore my body's possible trickery, but if I find myself there once again - I will be in that same pickle. Eventhough it was only 6 months ago, I do feel as though lots has changed since then. I feel as though we are in a better place than before, a lot has happened in those 6 months. I don't regret what I did, but it still haunts me and I just don't think I could ever put myself through the emotional turmoil. I don't have the facts yet, but I do know that this time my attitude would be different. The fear I feel though...is just, too much to take sometimes. It would absolutely be my fault for being in the awful situation of course, I would take full responsibility for it. But what would he say, what would he do? I will never know. But there is a chance he wouldn't want it, and he would leave me. If I know him as well as I think I do, I like to think that he wouldn't do that- but, he certainly wouldn't if the whole thing occured with his understanding that it was all happening, but a shock surprise of unluckyness I can't be so sure. But then if he stayed, would he do it because he wanted to, or because thats what a good guy would do? I also can't know for sure. God, so many questions.
Where would we live? What would we do for money? I would want to be near to my family but I know he'd want to be close to his too...god, I can't believe i'm even thinking about it already. I mean, there is a massive chance that I could just be jumping to the worst situation like I typically do, and get myself all upset and worked up over nothing...will just need to wait and see. Take each day as it comes and just hope. Just hope and pray that whatever happens, whatever life throws my way, it will all be okay...