Tired, got some of those Friday blues today which feels strange because I should be rejoicing that soon it will be the weekend. It hasn't really sunk in though, I just feel generally emotional. I'm not too sure why. I remember having very vivid dreams but can't recall what they're about, it feels as though it was the sort of sleep where I didn't rest.
I'm not sure what the weekend will hold in store, maybe not very much, that's ok. I can catch up on shut-eye I suppose...just, when I awoke this morning all I wanted to do was just keep snoozing the alarm, I've lost all my 'get up and go' spirit as of late and I would love to get it back. I'm so happy at home, the idea of leaving my comfy cocoon feels such a drag. The London streets are so grey, that slight drizzle on the air, the low, hanging clouds isn't very inviting to venture out in. Like many others, I can't wait for some spring sunshine.
If I am, I am - I'll just have to deal with the consequences at the time, no amount of worrying now will help prevent it or sort it. But if I'm not, which is very likely, then I'll wonder why I spent all this time fretting. I just can't seem to focus at the moment, and all my bodily motions seem to be pointing to what I've felt before, I'm just sent straight back to that traumatic time. But the body has a clever way of tricking you, I know I've just got to carry on and try to think of other things. It could be that i'm feeling emotional because of the frustrations at work, the ending of my time of the month, the running home from work lately. These could all be contributing things to why I generally don't feel myself.
Chris's dad came over yesterday and Chris cooked us dinner, it was really nice. I really like him, he's such a nice, down to earth guy who seems to have his priorities in order. When I'm with them both together it makes me realise their similarities and moreso their differences. It's nice to see him passionately talking about his vivid childhood memories of boys being boys, he beamed as recalled them all. After he left Chris admitted to me that for many of these tales were the first time he'd heard them, perhaps he'd never had the chance to share them before. I respect him a lot, and I love how he's passed on the values he feels are most important to him down to his first son.
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Just want to get out of here - my goodness, I'm intolerable company today. Whilst going about work related errands I spy the folk darting to and from where they need to be; some smart, some poor, some in-between. The tourists looking up at the tall, grand buildings and the workers who look down at their feet, all searching, squinting, trying to figure it all out - some have given up completely, some think they have it, some actually do, but the first glance always seems to be the most sceptical. It is such a rarity to see a genuine, smiling face. Maybe it's this street, this vicinity, that seems to bring out the cold in people. Maybe we've all just had enough.
I walked home a bit last night and found myself daydreaming about living away from the city. I don't like the feeling in my lungs and the thick, cloudy air of pollution as I try and hold my breath. I don't feel inspired by London anymore and I miss the sea. I feel disconnected today, everything is lacklustre as I realise that this is the life I've made for myself but that person I used to be before I moved here is fading away. I don't want to be trapped here forever, but then everywhere else seems to hold uncertainty. I've got to take the positives I can, but really I know I need to look for something else. Maybe if we can find a cheaper place to live, that will help too.
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