'I wish I could do better by you because it's what you deserve'

It's Monday morning and I'm searching my thoughts for how i'm really feeling today. I didn't feel too sad that the week starts once again, the first proper week of 2016. In fact I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine which I feel is much better for me mentally. I think in my last entry I felt down because of all the 'doing' over the festivities and everything being such a rush. I feel very 'grown up' in that sense, in my teenage years I would have really relaxed into it all and the long holidays but then now it feels all the more precious with less days given to enjoy it. 

And everyone around me is all grown up too. The people I used to know at school and at Uni are all buying houses, getting engaged, doing big deal stuff which makes me feel so...inadequate. I feel daft saying that and even worse feeling it, because I know what I have right now is pretty darn good. It is so easy to compare to others, my situation is different, it's not fair to see what they have and question why I don't. But even though I hear these rational thoughts, I still can't shake that feeling of envy. And the more I think about it, the more I worry about if it'll ever happen for me at all. I then feel guilty for thinking that without even consulting Chris, but I wouldn't dare to, because it would seem mad to bring it up so early in the day.

I do wonder if he thinks about it too. With Joe, I know he didn't really have any interest in marriage, despite his parents setting a wonderful example by spending more than 30 years together. It did make me feel a bit upset at the time, but then it also made me contemplate how important being married is in this day and age. Back when my mum and dad were young, it was needed in order to get a mortgage, joint bank account, and her case, to move out from her parents house. But these days, couples can do all of that without needing to be joined together in such a way. In many ways I know that's a good thing, and it makes things so much more straight forward if separation is on the cards. I don't know though, there's something very romantic and symbolic about wanting to get married; to be together for the rest of your lives, I think that's a lovely thing. Is 25 too young to be thinking about one person for the rest of my life? There is no telling how things will change in the future and it would be silly to think too hard about it. But it would be so nice to take each day knowing that you had both committed to the future, however long that may be. Sometimes it's hard to see romantic beauty in the world, but I think the coming together of two people in marriage really shows that. Just two people just captured in happiness.