Scene and serene

What's wrong with me today? I feel so drained and sad. Anxiety got the better of me today which has in turn left me feeling defeated and guilty. Why do I let things get to me, when did I become so weak?

Maybe it's those winter blues, the fact that the festivities came to an end so quickly that I wonder if I even had a moment to realize I was enjoying it all. The build up is so great, when in reality it's only 3 days. But, a wonderful 3 days, I've been very lucky.

The new year is with us, 2015 if possibly one of the quickest years I've experienced, it only feels like yesterday I was on that stuffy train home from Bristol with Robyn. I feel a bit sad that I didn't see it with her, we just couldn't get something organised in time. But I hope I will see her in the new year, I miss her. Instead I spent it with Chris at my brother's flat party, which was an interesting and mostly fun experience. I enjoyed being there with him and seeing him with people I don't usually see him with; uni friends and old school friends. It was largely a mix of similarly dressed young men with their hair in quiffs, which were at first a bit intimidating but actually pretty friendly when in conversation. The few girls weren't so much, all scene and serene, just sticking with each other and eventually drinking themselves into oblivion. I didn't feel like I fitted in at all but Ed appreciated us being there and Chris really made the effort, he seemed to be easily chatting away to everyone. It made me feel old, I looked about and realized that I had made the decision before even walking through the door that I didn't want to try and be that way. It's easy to try and compete, keep drinking and hoping my voice will be louder when really, I get dizzier and I just talk lots of rubbish and get the hickups, never really a cool, mature look.
It was the first party of it's kind and most likely the last, as later this year he'll be moving back to Uni for his third year. It's been so nice having him nearby, even if we don't see each other much it's nice to know he's there. The views were truly stunning from the 23rd story overlooking the London skyline, a panoramic view of all the iconic structures and landmarks. I let the moment take me over for a short while as I took it in. We counted down the seconds into the New Year and watched the small bursts of colour appear in the sky. Soon afterwards people were stumbling about, keeling over retching or making out on the sofa. We didn't stay too much longer after 1am when we decided to head home.
What a year it has been, so much has happened in ways I never imagined. I am glad that I got through it and I have good feelings about the year ahead. I hope things will become a bit more settled financially. I hope things will be a little bit smoother.
Sigh. I hope I feel better tomorrow :(