Today I just want to fade into the crowds of blank, expressionless faces. Everyone looks tired and annoyed, and being around them rubs off onto me. I just feel down and directionless. Maybe it's those Monday blues or maybe it's actually the fact that I really am at a bit of a dead end, possibly a mixture of the two. Just feel like I've a weight on my shoulders this morning that I'm finding hard to lift.
There's an atmosphere at work at the moment and it's difficult to know what's going to happen next. I've been here a year now without much trouble at all, however now things feel like they're going to change.
Sigh, it feels so good to close my eyes.
Last week my anxiety felt pretty bad but this morning I just feel more dazed. I decided to write a post about it, however it didn't attract much attention, possibly due to the time I put it up. Maybe nobody knew how to help, I mean I know it's clearly anxiety issues, but I've just got to carry on trying to tackle it myself...
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Hi there! This is my first post so I hope I'm doing it right, sorry if it's a bit muddled and all over the place. Basically, I'm just hoping to hear a little bit of advise, or anything to help me not feel...so lonely about it all. This is the first time I've ever really opened up about this so I'm not sure if it's 'normal' or even 'anxiety' at all, so any perspective would be very much appreciated : ) For background, I'm a 25 year old female.
I can remember anxiety being a part of my daily life since I was about 10 or 11 but possibly even before then. The familiar feeling of this tight, gripping knot in the pit of my stomach, heart racing as my mind goes into a panicked frenzy, sometimes even shaking. The frustrating thing is that this sensation isn't only brought on by typical nerve-wracking situations (such as job interviews, exams etc) but by menial things that usually people don't care about; getting the bus, the train, being late etc. It wasn't just school either, it was social things as well; parties, gatherings, cinema trips all with people I knew well. I always thought that it would get better, but it has never waivered and went on until university where it got particularly bad, especially in my final year but I conquered it by being so busy I wasn't able to concentrate on it. The memories I have on that time are blurred, although thankfully I got the grade I wanted.
For some reason I have never shared this with many people along the way, mainly for fear of them thinking it's stupid, because in a lot of ways it is! Leaving almost an hour and half early every day for any journey that takes no more than half an hour because of this overwhelming fear!? It just sounds silly. By the time I get home at the end of the day I am just absolutely shattered. Most weekends I am so run down because I burn myself out. I'm constantly aware of it and yet I always think to myself that it'll get better, but it doesn't.
I work a 9 - 6 office job which has it's moments of being stressful but certainly very manageable. I rent a nice place with my long-term boyfriend, I have good relationships with my family and friends etc everything on paper looks good and I would say I'm very happy and feel very lucky. But even acknowledging this doesn't help ease this constant worry. Recently however it has got very bad. A few months ago I bought tickets for one of my favourite bands (who never tour!) and invited my brother along with me. On the day I had terrible stomach pains (which I thought might have been some sort of bug,) but powered on through. I was so nervous as I left work, going to a venue I know well with a person I know very, very well - I couldn't understand it. When we got to the station and started walking to the venue I was just so overcome by it, we didn't end up going. I felt such relief afterwards but it was shortly followed by guilt and embarrassment. That is the first time my anxiety has actually stopped me from doing something I want to do.
I worry that it'll happen again and I'll stop going to social things. I challenge myself every time and usually succeed, and the thing is, when I get to whatever it is, I have a lovely time! It's just the bit beforehand. Personality wise though I'd say that I'm an upbeat, chipper and calm person, a bit like a swan I guess! - Calm on the surface but churning up a storm below the surface.
I have spoken to my parents about it at times, my dad's a very level-headed guy (who's my best friend really!) who knows I do struggle a lot and offers the support he can. My mum has her own mental health issues but is on medication for her depression (it's heavy on my mum's side of the family,) but I guess because there's no core reason to why I feel worried and anxious, it feels pointless bringing it up.
Of course, this is all 'self-medicated,' I've never been to the doctor about it, mainly because I don't know if what i'm experiencing is anxiety or if it's something else. I don't want to get laughed out of the office.
To help myself keep a record of things, I keep a journal, which I've done for the past 9 years. It helps with problems and getting things off my chest, but doesn't ease things in the long term. For the past couple of years I've got into going to the gym which does help, but I find I get incredibly nervous before going which starts many hours before I leave work.
I just feel as though I've accepted that anxiety is a part of my personality, my DNA, it makes me who I am. But it's not getting better and I worry it'll just get worse. Does/has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how do you cope? Are there any good books or websites to read, natural remedies? I would be so grateful for any help, I'm at the point where i'm fed up of anxiety ruling my life!
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The weekends are over so quickly these days, it's taking me a long time to get used to this full time malarkey.
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