'The rain brings life. So does the sun'

A very windy, blustery day today. The rattling of the windows and the dark early morning made me want to stay hibernating under the covers for the next few days. Recently I've been feeling blue, in a bit of a down haze. I'm aware I should be excitable and cheery, but to pluck up those emotions from within feels a real struggle. It's probably hormonal, mixed with tiredness of the monotony of my current job, but the days are really dragging.

I look about the tube and am aware it's a different pace and feel in the cartridges. The usual busy, chaotic mass of smartly dressed and pissed off looking people has petered out and has been replaced with colourful looking people with big cases and bags on their way home for Christmas. I can't help but feel envious, I do wish that were me. If I had been more organised I would have booked off this time in advance, however yesterday I was reminded at how many days of holiday I have left for the whole of next year (8 days...seriously?) so it's probably for the best, as I sink in my seat I know it could be worse.

I am looking forward to Christmas this year, I feel as though I have more to celebrate this time around. Last year was such a messy end to a turbulent time of my life, and I was reminded of this whilst looking back over previous entries of this time, last year and the time before that. Things really have come a long way, I am very lucky and thankful for this. I do hope next year will be a good year, I have a feeling that it will.

 

That old, familiar fidgeting notion is returning, that 'what am I doing with my life?' question keeps cropping up in my head as I sit and stare at my computer screen. Only recently I felt myself acknowledge this but I brushed it aside, thinking that being comfortable is okay, just ride this out for a few more months and see if something opens up along the way. However today I feel as though I should be aiming higher, doing more, that I should be more stressed and worked up about things than I actually am. For some reason my mind confuses fear and stress for comfort, I feel it's a sign that I really care about what I'm doing and the constant adrenalin racing through my veins makes the day fly by. - Of course I know that really, this isn't a healthy way to live and go about the day. And do I really want my days to flash right past me? 

By re-reading some previous entries, there were a few passing thoughts and quotes mentioned by previous high calibre people, that have still stuck with me. I remember how I felt back then at those times where I was also confused and worried about change; the lack of it or to much at once. What was said back then is as true as ever now, but sometimes I need reminding. I was watching 'Saving Mr Banks' alone over the weekend and found myself really submerged in it;

 

Ralph: Hey, sun came out again.

P.L. Travers: You say it as if you're surprised, as if the sun were particular about for whom it appears. It seems you think I am responsible for its miraculous dawning every day. For heaven's sake, it's California. 

Ralph: Certainly is!

P.L. Travers: I'd so much rather be accountable for the rain.

Ralph: Oh, that's sad.

P.L. Travers: Sad is entirely the wrong emotion. I shan't bother explaining why. It would just... Zip!

Ralph: Huh. Okey-dokey.

P.L. Travers: The rain brings life.

Ralph: So does the sun.

P.L. Travers: Be quiet!

Ralph: Yes, ma'am.

I found myself crying at the 'Only Today.' moment because it was so sincere and reminded me of dad and suddenly I missed him. I know he's only on the end of the phone and soon I will see him, but I wanted to be home so much. I miss being around him, his wisdom and humour, how he's always helping and supporting me, trying to make me see the bright side when all I want to do is be sad and mope about.

 

I can't wait to cocoon myself in 'home' where I will be safe and sound. I hope Chris will be able to join us at some point over the time, because he is truly home to me...