A warm wintery feel in the air today in London. I look out over the congested streets and see a subtle fog rise above the cars, buses, bikes and see the pedestrians powering through it. I look up at the sky and the clouds are yellowish in hue, they don't resemble the classic blue skies that you read about in romantic novels. I miss nature today. The smell of the sea, the bitter chill on the air that gets under your collar, the green trees with brown, falling leaves. London has stripped it bare, there is no time or space for botanical wonder here.
I feel like the day to day rush and commotion of this life is aging me more than it should. I catch my reflection and I just look tired and dreary. I try my best to be as chipper as possible but sometimes the air feels heavy and it fills me with a heaviness I cant seem to shift. The lights are lovely though.
I dreamt of babies last night, I was sound asleep right up until my alarm rang and the memories of the dream were so clear. I want one so much. And I avoid social media now as all my old school friends are already there...urgh change the record phoebe, is that all I think about these days? When did I stop aiming high in my career, property, travels? Is it other peoples influence on me or is it my actual desire? I know I need to keep a level head here, it's not entirely my choice as there's someone else involved in this very important matter. I know he's happy with the way things are at the moment, I cannot bring myself to have the conversation because what would the point be in frightening him? I'm still young, I know I am. I've given myself the 'target' of 27 and that feels a lot more sensible, so I just need to wait it out and see. Because ultimately, I need to know that we're up to it, our relationship is strong enough to start a family...I guess I would want to be married first, but maybe that isn't on his agenda. Perhaps not with me but with anyone. Who knows. It hasn't even been a year yet, I don't know why my goalposts keep moving closer and closer to me, in some instances it's necessary to rush but I don't honestly think any good would come from rushing around now.
Chris from the past messages me every now and then, remember him? The one who caused me to stray and turned everything upside down for a while. When I was living in Brixton we started messaging again and I felt so glad that we were in a way, because he was one of those people who crossed my mind often and I wondered if he was happy. His intentions were known very early on though, sending me very inappropriate images and requesting the same. At the time I played along because it was harmless, but now i'm in a relationship I kindly avoid the subject, although he can be persistent. He's still up north running his business living with his girlfriend in Leeds, they also have a baby together. I smiled when I heard this but I wondered if it was actually what he wanted. If he's messaging me the way he is, it sort of suggests that I guess he isn't, and it makes me wonder. I think he enjoys going back to our memories, those days where we were young, careless and foolish. I feel sad for his partner, because she probably has no idea. Maybe if push came to shove, he wouldn't actually go through would it (and of course I wouldn't!) but still, even playing the idea out in his mind is deceitful. And what saddens me more is that it could potentially be my Chris one day, and I would be so devastated. It seems easy for men to cut off from their families and drop so quickly into a fantasized world, not all of them of course, but many do. I suppose many don't even realise they had it in them to even contemplate such a thing until they're faced with the situation, stressed and sleep deprived. But I don't want to get that thought into my head, I don't want to question my trust in Chris.
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