Life is a rush

What is this world coming to? 

 

For the first time in about 3 days or so, I awoke feeling refreshed and ready for what the day had in store for me. A typical Thursday I'm sure, so nothing too out of the ordinary, but it feels nice to be back to my normal 'self.' However, I feel as though I have awoken from the daze I was in before where I just wanted to blend in and forget about the grim realities of this city, which has now hit me with a real sadness.

I look about at people wrapped in their expensive winterwear, loaded with bags upon bags of shopping of things you know they don't really need. They have a squint to their expression, a coldness yet a painted smile of happy lavishment. Some days I walk past them and wish I were one of them, but today I see through them and don't envy their lives.

 

I am very much aware that I happen to find myself in a time where there is a lot of political unrest and uncertainty. Yesterday we tuned in to the news where we were faced with baffling statistics for all of those wishing to bomb other countries, sparking all sorts of debate. It is a very difficult situation we find ourselves in and one I doubt we'll be able to break away from soon. I get frustrated with myself and how little I know about these sorts of things, I somehow keep myself out of it all when really I should. But when I do make an interest to be interested, I find myself rather overwhelmed by it all. Maybe this is why I don't keep up with the news, because it just seems to make me sad.

I don't think I could ever imagine myself promoting the idea of using bombs to stop conflict, like my dad so rightly commented; 'you can't bomb countries into democracy.' But then sitting back being passive and pretending nothing is happening won't do much good in the long run either. It is difficult to know just how things will pan out.

I spoke a little to a friend at work how, with all the awful past events going on, it makes me wonder whether it would be  wise idea bringing new lives into this...place. I want children very much but when you see the flashing images of explosions, innocent lives lost, people hating one another, charts of finances crashing - what will the future hold, and do I want that future for my offspring? She agreed, but as a mother, said that all we can do is help bring them up in believing that no it's not the future we want and to fight the negativity. I can get on board with that. 

 

It keeps crossing my mind, the thought of all these grown up things; a house, marriage, children. I go onto my facebook page and am hit with a barrage of newly weds and mothers doting on their little ones, talking about house decorations or new cars. I suppose this is nothing new, and everyone in the world faces the same sorts of emotions as me as I scroll through aimlessly where I ask myself 'was I looking for all of this?' maybe I was! Just to shake me up a bit inside and or prompt the questions and get me all riled up. We all do it, use our friends and colleagues as benchmarks of success - if they are there, why aren't we? sort of vibe. Most of the time I silently reply 'in my own time,' but then again I have no idea when I'll ever feel truly secure. - Since leaving home I can't say I've ever felt like that. I've always got financial worries, or if things are ok, there's always something expensive looming around the corner. I'm always in a rented place, throwing money down the drain, working long hours at a job which doesn't use my degree, which only just keeps me ticking over - never saving. I'm trying to now though, even if things are tight. I know that I must sooner rather than later.

Everything feels like a rush. Like life is a rush. Maybe it's the London way, or just city life in general. But I feel a constant pressure to be where everyone else is, regardless of how old they are, what jobs they have etc. I feel as though my time is running out, like it's a constant race to the good times which are always just out of reach. And I'm only 25. A quarter of a century. Deep down I know that isn't what this life is all about, it is precious and it should be enjoyed. Yes, I'm living the typical 9 - 5 at the moment, but you don't know what might be around the corner. Sure, some peoples paths of fame and fortune are already paved, however amazing and unpredictable things happen all the time - why can't it be me? Although I feel in my body that I'm not built for stardom, I might come about some sort of recognition in another way I'm not even aware of just yet. Who knows. Ultimately, in these uncertain times I know I've got to stay positive and think about what I have now. What can be enjoyed now. Because there is plenty, there is beauty in everything - not everything has a price. I need to do my best to take care of myself and let everyone close to me know that I love them.

Yesterday I phoned dad and we talked for a bit where he explained to me briefly exactly what's been going on in the news (I do this from time to time!) he explains it in a nice broken down sort of way, a little like you would for a child! Towards the end of the call I mentioned to him that it has crossed my mind that being in the capital is a bit of a target. How a couple of people I know where saying how nervous they are travelling about the place but I hadn't really thought about it that much. He said that he'd thought about it to of course, but we concluded that really, worrying makes no difference between something happening or not - plus, as The Smiths so rightly sing; 'a double decker bus could plough into both of us' without any prior warning, just another incident that happens along with all the other awful incidents in the world. My heart goes out to every one of them.

Sigh. Just some thoughts I'm thinkin' on this Thursday as I sip coffee in this quiet office and wonder what differences I can make to help save the world...