Everything's not lost

I'm counting down the days until Christmas. It's been a rather strange couple of months where it feels as though time has flown by so quickly, and yet this week has truly dragged- I've been aware of every hour going by! Work has been a bit challenging at times and just recently I've really cranked up my exercise regime leaving me feeling more tired and emotional. Things have got to me more recently, I am very aware of that.

But ultimately I know that it's doing me good. Working more means I have a better daily routine, hopefully next year I'll be able to save more and get more of a plan together in my mind. Joining the gym has been more to do with my mental wellbeing, but any fitness benefit is a bonus. going there after work, that same anxiety building up beforehand, reminds me of this time last year where I had been able to keep it up for a fair few months, perhaps even a year. I miss the body I had back then, however I wasn't at all happy. It was all I ended up doing in my free time because that was all I had, I was still upset over Joe and was getting mucked about royally by Lee, who only now I realise was treating me horribly - well and truly over that! He does cross my mind from time to time, but only in the way that I wish him well, I know he was struggling earlier in the year.

Another character to help add to my own. I think of Alex from time to time as well, and hope he's doing ok. It was such an amiable way to end things, I think he knew it all along. There were no dramas, it was all pretty plain sailing but still no regrets there. It was another strange situation but it kept me busy for a while. A lot has happened this year, a lot still haunts me and I'll let it for the months to come, but I hope one day I'll forgive myself. I was just trying to do my best at the time given the circumstances. But a lot of good things happened this year as well, and that's what I really need to concentrate on.

To think that this time me and Chris hadn't even met yet...look how far we've come now. It's wonderful. In my diary I have our first date pencilled in in January, so I've booked a nice hotel for a night and a visit to Cambridge which I'm really looking forward to, I hope it will surprise him. I miss Cambridge, early on in our relationship he mentioned it as an idea to go for a weekend one day, but it still felt too soon. It was my home for two years at a different time of my life, somehow I still didn't feel quite strong enough to return to it once again. I guess I worried I might bump into Joe, his brother or maybe he's family. I wonder what would happen if we did. It would be unusual, I can't predict how I would react, how my body would feel. Would I tighten up, go all red and bashful, or would it be like seeing an old friend? How would he react, would he walk right past me or come over? I have my hopes but I will never know until it happens, and there is no telling it ever will. I feel in my soul that one day we will connect again, and I still warm at the thought. I still miss him, and I always will. But of course there is no disrespect to what I have now with Chris, what we have together is on another level in a lot of ways and we've gone through things I never though were possible, coming out stronger. However I doubt I'll ever meet anyone who knows how to make me laugh the way he used to.

Mum says it's probably a good thing that we're not in contact, and I know at the time I found it almost unbearable but really I know she's right. She says it would probably complicate things, which it probably would. Sigh. I hope he's had a good year.