Lots of thoughts going on in my mind recently. But for some reason, I haven't really felt the urge to write them all out like I used to. In some ways I think that's a good thing, maybe it shows that I'm coping much better than I used to. But then again, I worry that I'm just storing it all up until it all fills to the brim and spills over the sides in some giant freak out moment. Maybe it's a bit of a lull, a depressive sort of lull. I feel guilty because on paper, everything is working out okay at the moment. Work is fine, the flat is great, living with Chris is great, family all seem fine...but I feel generally uneasy and as though my mind is still processing a lot of things; things that have happened, things that won't. Just, feel like I need to have more sussed out. I feel like I should be further than where I actually am.
I don't go on social media much these days as there are baby posts in every scroll interspersed between engagement celebrations, bragging about buying property or mortgages. Just, a bombardment of all this grown up stuff, just reminding me that I'm just not even close.
A little while ago, I would have been able to have looking through it all quite happily without feeling shame, sadness and a touch of jealousy. Of course, I still am glad for them, it just appears as though everything has just fallen into place but I'm not sure when that'll happen for me - if it ever will.
It's not fair of me to compare my life with theirs, everyone is different and people move at different paces. But for some reason my body has kicked in this weird 'I'd make a great housewife!' mode which is rather frustrating. I used to be so career motivated whereas now I just want to settle down. Perhaps it's the security. Perhaps it's the regret? I'm not sure. I was having a conversation earlier with my boss about 'big picture' future stuff and she said 'always listen to your gut - never listen to your head,' and I started to think over my recent decisions and wondered which force was the strongest one. I don't think I regret what I did, I know that we're just not in the right place - possibly emotionally, definitely geographically. It would put a stress on our relationship for sure....I just wish I could stop thinking about it.
I also wish I could talk to him about it, but I'm afraid it'll frighten him away or bring up unpleasant memories. What good would it do? Remind him about how awful it all was...no. I guess I'll have to keep carrying it around with me and hope that eventually time will help me heal.
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