Everyone looks so breezy and cool, with a purpose but not very phased by much going on around them.
This is a trendy part of London, where I don't find myself much. Olive used to live fairly nearby if I recall, however I always felt out of place. There's plenty of money walking around that's for sure.
I seem to be sitting next to a male model who seems to be organising his life in a diary and a lady who's just been joined by a camera crew.
Im here because I finished work early and am soon off to collect a bike.
I found I am fed up with circus that is the tube, I miss my walks to and from work. Next month I'll be working full time and I will need to save wherever I can. It'll be nice to have a full time wage, which I realise is the first of its kind that I've had all my life. It means I should be able to save and plan for my future, maybe even have enough seriously consider buying a place of moving somewhere new.
That being said, I really love where we live. Recently we've befriended the neighbours upstairs, who are a very nice couple. They're the sort of copy we envy and want to be one day. Both professionals, both with a cool place to live, busy social lives, travelling stories, cool jobs. Maybe one day.
I see their lives and then I see old friends who I used to go to school with, their profile pictures candied photos from their wedding days, baby bumps or newborns. I alternate from which I desire more from day to day. But one thing is for sure, I am nowhere near either, I feel a bit lost and I can't pinpoint which is nearer.
The past couple of weeks I haven't felt myself at all. Very on-edge, self conscious, worried, constantly beating myself up. Just, lost confidence really. Maybe I was just run down, but I think today I realise that it's likely to be hormone related. So, I have stopped taking the pill again...I know I should keep with it and it'll all settle down eventually, but it's just intolerable. I will tell him this time. Sigh. I made the mistake of reading back old entries yesterday evening and it made me feel sad. I suppose it always will do.
I'm still carrying it around with me. It was kinda nice to see my old friend and talk about everything, it did come up because I wrote to her about it at the time.
But, she's the only one really. Otherwise nobody wants to know, but then, I don't know what to say. It's just, i know I shouldn't be thinking about the what-ifs, I've got to concentrate on the present day...
No comments:
Post a Comment