Piece by Piece

It must be these new hormones rushing around my system, such self harm out of nowhere. Right now, the anger is almost making me shake - from almost nothing at all. I would very much like to never have to take anything at all, however there is no way I could go through last month's process all over again. Absolutely not. Never.
When that monthly occurrence greeted me in the familiar fashion, I guess I was kinda relieved that everything was kinda back to how it was before, but at the same time, it made me sad. I wasn't sure why really, I suppose it could have been as though it never was at all, but I couldn't think like that. This month has made me change a lot and made me realize a lot of things that wasn't so clear before. I didn't ask for these things, but that's how this life goes. For better, for worse...It also made me feel relieved that my body was ready for the 'next time' which will hopefully not be too many years from now. My body is ready to move on from it all but it seems my mind is reluctant.

In Rome we stumbled upon a beautiful church, and inside bore walls decorated colorful murals lined with gold, opulent decorations and a calming, quiet stillness. One couldn't deny a certain presence upon entering it, I felt welcome and at peace. I lit a candle, in a sort of memory, a sentiment. I didn't say a word, I kept it all within, but Chris noticed that I was moved.

It has been a while since I've updated, and in a way I don't feel as though tonight should be the night to do it as my emotions are so erratic and predominantly; frustrated. It doesn't feel accurate or fair, however, it also feels satisfying and hey, it hasn't stopped me in the past. It feels good to break that month old ice anyway.

The past couple of weeks I've dreamed very vibrant dreams. Some pleasant, some not so pleasant.
I came home to a letter my best friend wrote to me, who, I've kinda distanced myself from recently. What with her sister going through pregnancy, I know a lot of what she has to talk about will be about that, and of course as understandable as that it, it didn't feel as a very easy or welcome conversation for me to have or get excited about. Because still, the thoughts enter my mind and it weighs on me. I know I simply have to move on, but it is difficult, especially not being able to share these thoughts with anyone else. I fear bringing it up would cause more damage than good. But as each day passes I am learning to forgive myself.

I've the rest of the week off, which I hope to use productively and creatively. We will see.

I want to see my family. I feel a bit lost again.

I dream of old loves gone by, two of whom messaged me out of the blue spookily. I kindly replied but not like the way I used to. I don't want to complicate things for myself like I did before. Of course, one will always remain a part of me and I doubt that notion will ever be replaced eventhough I feel very much in love right now.

Now I am going to sit back, let me eyes tire as I listen to amazing music.