We all become smoke

And so it is. Here we are. I've managed to propel myself through 2 weeks of what has been a tremendously turbulent time. Tomorrow is the day. 
 
The past couple of days have been incredibly difficult physically, with migraines effecting both my eyes making me feel as though i'm in a daze, only wanting to seek escape with sleep. I nearly didn't come to work today because it didn't feel right, but thinking about it, I'm glad I did as I imagine if I'd have stayed home I would have worked myself into a panic. 
Trying my best to ignore all of this I went and caught up with a friend last night who I haven't seen in a few weeks. I nearly cancelled for many reasons but in the end I thought I should go, it could be a pleasant distraction where I could forget for a while and I did. She's always good at picking out great places to eat and drink, we went to this cosy basement bar with an eclectic mix of cocktails and jazz music playing in the background. For a moment, I felt happy. I felt young again, I felt 'my age,' like I didn't need to carry around this weight, this deep and shameful secret. We laughed, shared drinks and when I went home, I didn't feel sad like I thought I would. Chris called me and we chatted long into the night, mostly about Friday and how we felt about it all. He told me he was looking forward to getting it out of the way so we could go back to how we were. It didn't sound as insensitive as that of course, and I knew what he meant because I feel the same to. We were able to talk about it without tears, and it felt good to know that I could be open with him.
Maybe I'm wrong and the worst is still to come, but I feel like I've experienced so much pain, in such a short space of time. My mind really has been stretched, thinking and contemplating issues I never thought I would. It's left me feeling vulnerable, weak and deeply saddened. But, I can't keep hurting myself over this, I want to move on with me life; our lives. I want this one day, I dearly do, and know he does to. I've got to be brave and strong.