Wake me up

I told him, we cried, we talked, we're going to get through this. 

Yesterday was emotionally draining on a scale I never thought was possible. Carrying around this weight sickened me to my stomach and I knew that it was something that I had a to tell him. But I wanted to wait until the right time. 

Funnily enough that day he kept bringing up 'when we have children,' and what sort of parents we'd be, but I kept strong. I was weighing up what I really wanted to do, had it sunk in enough to process the emotions.

We went for lunch, I watched him swim, we went back to his for a family party. All was pleasant and distracting. I've been feeling so nauseous, but I feel that's probably just nerves. 

We drank and ate and all was merry. I thought I had done well but it wasn't until we went to bed I looked at him and knew that it wasn't fair to keep it from him, he deserved to know even though I was so frightened to how he'd react. 

I was aware no time was a perfect time, but all things considered it probably was the best time. I was careful with my words and the alcohol was a welcome aid to the news and he was calm although very shocked. He cried but my body felt so much adrenalin I couldn't say much. We talked for an hour or so, discussed how we felt and really, this wasn't the right time. We weren't ready. 

We tried to sleep but it was a light nights sleep and we both jumped in dreams and woke up cold and afraid. Looking into his eyes though, I fully trusted him and I wasn't going to let this ruin us. I know this had potential to damage us, it has been one of the most grown up chats we've ever had but he was comforting and supportive. 

This morning was passionate and for a moment we lost ourselves which was truly wonderful - it was soon followed by a dash to get ready and a telephone call to organise an appointment in 2 weeks time. We hugged and cried in the field, we both said that if this happens again, it'll be a joyful occasion, one we want, we're ready for and can celebrate. We both said we wanted this one day, just not now. 

I was very worried that there was a bit of me that wanted to keep it, but I know I want the best for my children and I can't provide that now. In two years, definitely. 

I will pray for strength to get me and him through this time, and hope I won't be punished for this in future. Because I want so much to be a mother, I hope I'll be blessed with a future opportunity, dearly. 

Now I've got to pull it together, I'm going home for my birthday and have to pretend that none of this is happening. I'm seeing him again on Monday, oh, I don't want to be apart from him...this all feels like such a daze, a dream, a very surreal dream...wake me up...