Tired, barrier is down

I've had a really nice day today, wandering around some lovely exhibitions in the sunshine with mum and rick, celebrating her birthday. I've felt rather tired and heavy, all the house moving has caught up with me and I'm looking forward to a quiet day tomorrow by myself where I can catch up on a few things and maybe do some art, creative part of my brain allowing. 

Now I'm home and in bed, it's so calm and quiet here. I miss Chris actually and the sadness of the past weeks events is getting to me now, but then when I'm tired my barrier is down and emotions creep in. Also, being around mum makes me want to share these things but I know I can't, it wouldn't do any good if I did. I feel a bit sad that we're not as close as we used to be, I know it would make her feel upset to hear that, mainly because it's my fault. She leaves me to it because she doesn't want to interrupt my busy life, but sometimes I wish that she did. But in time I will, especially when things have settled. Things have changed, they're not how they used to be and I shouldn't be so afraid of letting her down or annoying her. I do love her. 

Sigh. Newborns everywhere. Today I felt...sad. Acknowledging it is making the tears well up in my eyes. I know I did what was best, but my heart still sinks and I do daydream off a bit. I do want all of those things with him, I truly do. I hope I will be blessed with these opportunities in the near future.