It's not the end

Coming home during such a surreal time has been a very odd experience which has left me feeling so guilty, lost and confused. But then, this is probably one of the most stressful situations I've ever found myself in, so I'm not surprised. It just felt odd, dropping this bombshell on Chris and then leaving him. 

I've tried to be as strong as possible for him and I think I did a good job. But here, probably because it's home and I usually find I can open up and relax, I've found very difficult to act normal.

When I met my brother at the station, we got on the train and I did try- he then asked if something was wrong and I began crying hysterically. He hugged me, told me he loved me, that everything was going to be ok...my dearest younger brother, I think it saved me. 

We talked a bit but it was so difficult to say the words out loud. It was nice to see mum but I was glad it wasn't just me, I felt sick and queasy. We ate, opened a few lovely presents but I just couldn't take my mind off things. In the evening she asked if I was ok and 'if I'd received some bad news' which made my heart sink to the ground. I don't think my face could have hid the pain but then I said I didn't think I could tell her, but hopefully a little later down the line. I'm not sure if I meant it. I just wanted her to stop trying to guess what was up. It is the sort of thing I wish I could confide in her, but there's just no telling how she'll react but I know I wouldn't be able to handle her negative reactions which are far more likely. And this made me feel worse because I felt guilty and ashamed. I knew she could see I felt sad, but I wasn't sharing it with her and that broke her heart. This morning there was defiantly an atmosphere but then dad picked us up and continued to try and act like everything was fine. And it was, to a point but then he told me he could 'detect something wasn't right' and after ed went home he asked me again and I burst into tears. I felt deeply sad, but almost relieved and lucky that I had someone close to me I could talk to. He was supportive as ever and gave me great advise. 'You're not saying no forever, you're saying no at this moment in time and that's fair enough,' I could see he felt pained but he hugged me and said a plan was in place, we've just got to deal with these problems as we get them. 

Tomorrow I'm heading home and then I'm going to Chris's as I just don't want to be on my own...I feel a bit better than yesterday eve as I lay shaking under the duvet, I hope I improve every day. This...will never leave me though, I will continue to pray and hope...