I just want what's best

The longer time goes by the more attached I become. 

I want to feel good again. I want to stop hurting. 

*

Today I feel different, I feel slightly better. It's likely to be my hormones lulling me into a false sense of security when really they'll be up later on, leaving me on the brink of tears again but I feel as though a little bit of my heart is healing. 

I wrote another post asking for anonymous advise once again and got some really wonderful responses. One lady in particular gave me some very humbling advise and it made me realise that I shouldn't feel bad about this. I'm only doing what I think is right for my future offspring. It is a terribly difficult decision to make, and it's been very hard coping with this alone but I realise that, I'm actually not completely alone. 

Fortunately I have Chris, who wants to help with this as much as he can. It is just as scary for him as it is for me. One thing I've realised already is that neither of us have stopped brining up little notes that we used to do in our conversations about children and our sons or daughters. We still talk about parenting, and it fills me with hope because I know that one day, we will be brilliant parents. I know he wants a house, a garden, a bit of space they can run around - not some cramped one bed in the smog of the big city. And I want those things dearly. I want to give a new life the very best that I can, I want them to feel they can achieve absolutely anything they want to achieve. But right now, there's so much that's hanging in the balance for us both; money, our jobs, our relationship. I mean, living together will really signify whether we're right for each other. And, I don't want to raise a child on my own, even if it is in good terms. In two years, yes, two years, I think we'll be ready.I hope we'll be able to, I hope that I'll be forgiven for doing what I only hope is the right thing...

*

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling tired and emotionally drained, my dreams were haunting me with twisted realities. But there was almost no time to wallow, as it was his big day, a race he'd been training for many months and I didn't want to ruin it with my worries and moans. I realised that although this is a very testing time for me, there really isn't anything I can do about it, I've just got to accept it and chow down and get on with it until Friday. So, we rushed about getting from place to place and before we knew it he was lining up ready to start. It was the first time I'd ever been to an event like it and it actually made me want to give it a go one day. Really challenge myself. I confided in him how much I missed exercise and how when we move I will enjoy taking solace in working myself hard physically, he agreed. 

While he raced I stood alone yet I was surrounded by an amazing, positive community of fellow observers, cheering and smiling at everyone running past. It felt good to be there and I loved supporting him, I feel very proud. A lady stood next to me with a very cute newborn baby and I was expecting myself to feel a bit sick to see him and thought 'God just move away, move away!' But I didn't surprisingly. We actually chatted a bit about the race and I realised that was the last thing I should be doing. I don't want to fear babies or children because I love them and really want them in my life - I just know it can't be right now, but that's not the fault of anyone around me. 

I say all this now and tomorrow I'll probably be all teary eyed and emotional. Of course I've weighed up what life would be like if i kept it. I can't imagine regretting it but then I know they'd be plenty I'd want to change but simply couldn't. And I know I can't change Chris's opinion on that matter to. I know I could turn around and say 'we're having it,end of' but I would hate for him to resent it and me as well. I know ultimately it's my choice but if I'll be hoping for help and support from him I've got to respect his opinion. And anyway, I agree with it and I knew I felt that way before it was even properly confirmed. I said so in my earlier entries before this all begun.

I know it's ok to feel sad, I know it's ok to feel shame and contemplate the 'what ifs' I'm only human and this is a big deal. But I know I'm not the only one who's suffering, or who's going through this at this time. I'm sure thousands of other ladies are, and I find that comforting. 'You're not alone, this happens all the time it's just people don't talk about it.' And that's fair enough. 

I know I'd be able to rise to challenge but I don't think that's enough.

Today, I feel strong and I dearly hope this will last me through the week, because I'm going to need it. 

It will soon be followed by the move into the new place which I'm really looking forward to. I'm going to need some projects to focus on when this is over and I'll be able to get properly stuck in. 

One of the last replies I got was this and I think I might work through the essay that's focusing on emotional healing. I find that writing these entries is my own sort of therapy but it'll be good to ask myself some big questions and see it properly in front of me. That way it'll be logged and one day in the future I can look back on it all and see that I got through it with an attitude of 'I did the right thing' and not regret. I do hope so. 

'It sounds like right now you weren't planning on getting pregnant! I think a lot of women feel really overwhelmed with the decision because it wasn't one they thought they would need to make. Many women, especially young women who haven't been pregnant before have a wild time with those hormones - changing everything up and in some ways, making them more emotional. 

It is good to be kind to yourself about this decision. millions and millions of good, moral women have had abortions. having an abortion doesn't make you a bad person. All the feelings and thoughts you are sharing show you are a thoughtful and caring person - a person who is trying to do what is right for everyone involved, not just herself. Many women who want children - recognize at certain points in their lives that they cannot offer the life to a child that they want to give. I don't think that that is selfish at all.

Medical abortion is extremely safe - and very effective. the most recent clinical research suggests it is over 98% effective. There is no scientific evidence that having an abortion (even the surgical procedure) causes problems with future fertility. Many women who have had abortions go on to have successful pregnancies when they are ready to have a child.

Most women do not regret their abortions - and there are many many wonderful resources for emotional recovery and support including:

backline - http://yourbackline.org/ faith aloud - http://www.faithaloud.org/ 1in3 - http://www.1in3campaign.org/en/

http://www.pregnancyoptions.info/emotional&spiritual.htm '