Hi there, I hope this post isn't too long and rambly, but I feel I dearly need to get this out of me somehow, right now I feel so very alone and frightened. I am going through one of the most upsetting times of my life.

About 3 weeks ago I discovered that I was pregnant and it's safe to say that my mind hasn't stopped whirling since. I'm 24, it wasn't planned (took antibiotics whilst on the pill, didn't read the small print) and this is the first time I've ever been faced with this situation. I went to the doctors to talk about my options right away but really knew that me and my boyfriend (of about 9 months,) aren't prepared for this enough financially, and that's what I ended up saying. But, this decision has been decided with a very heavy heart, because although it's early days with me and him I do feel that emotionally we are ready. We have talked about when we become parents 'one day' and all that sort of thing, but a few days ago was the first time we ever talked about if it were to happen now. It was an awful conversation to have, my voice was quiet and I was shaking, I didn't know how he'd react. We cried, we tried to talk but it was difficult. However, although he was upset, he was comforting and he said he'd be there for me during the next steps. We both agreed this was something we wanted one day, but it just wouldn't be fair (for the baby,) to do now. So, the next day I booked an appointment for an abortion which is next week, but since then, I really haven't been coping very well at all. Physically I feel really rubbish, and I can't shake the nervousness I feel for the procedure (medical) and about the pain that is sure to come with the abortion, but I'm expecting it and I feel I'll be okay with it. It's the emotional side of it that I'm really finding hard to get through. I just find myself crying, all the time. I don't want to be on my own at all and yet I'm really struggling being around people. I just feel completely and deeply saddened. Sad that we're in this situation and sad that we have had to choose. I never thought I would find myself here, and if I did, it would be a reaction of happiness and joy - not panic and worry. I can't sleep as my mind keeps me awake, torturing me 'I wonder if it's a boy or a girl?' 'would they laugh like me? Would they be creative?' - reminding me that this is a baby, a life, and I've set a date to send it away. The guilt is devouring me, I'll never forget this. And then with these thoughts I become so scared, what if this is my only chance? What if I don't get another? Just, my usually positive, upbeat mind is just dragging me towards the ground and I feel just...awful. I know I need to emotionally detach myself and I always thought that I would be able to, but now I'm faced with it, my mind won't let me. Maybe it's the hormones... My boyfriend and I do talk about it a bit, but when we do we just end up crying and it doesn't really help matters. I like to feel that this will make our relationship stronger, but I'd love to be able to tell someone else these fears like my friends or family, but I don't want them knowing. They probably wouldn't support the decision and I would fear they're judgement. I'm counting down the days but it's going so slowly. I am incredibly worried that when the day comes, I won't have the emotional strength to go through with it. If they do an ultrasound, I think I'll break down. I want to be a mother so much, I dearly want to have children - and lots of them, but, we don't live together yet, both hardly have savings...it's just, not possible.

Sigh, does this feeling ever go away? Will it haunt me forever? Having a medical abortion won't affect my chances of having a family in future, will it? 

Thank you for reading and sorry if it's all over the place. I would love some advise as to how to get through this, or stories of how you got through it, or coped with it all...

[–]pivazena 5 points 16 hours ago 

I've been where you are too, so I'll try to make some helpful comments. 

First, you should go with your gut and make the decision that's right for you. Some individuals on this board are immediately advocating keeping the baby to term and giving it up for adoption. If that's actually an option for you (you have a job that will allow for a pregnancy and you don't need to explain anything to parents, friends, or family) and it feels right, you should explore that option.

If your gut tells you that a medical abortion is the correct route, then do that. And don't listen to people who try to convince you otherwise.

For me, my boyfriend and I had just become long distance (the pregnancy happened in the frenzied passions just before) and I was starting a new job, high stress and long hours, with no insurance for the first 3 months and very bad insurance after that. I moved to a new state with absolutely no support network. And, before I knew I was pregnant, I was drinking a fair bit. All signs pointed to keeping the baby as a Bad Idea, so I chose to have a medical abortion.

The clinic was dirty and run-down-- PP in that state was not allowed to do abortions-- so I was glad I elected for medical instead of surgical. They did an ultrasound. It looked like an olive (6 weeks). It made me sad. They read a pamphlet telling me I had other options, as required by law. I knew I didn't have other options. They made me wait 24 hours. I pushed through. I took the pills. My boyfriend came for the weekend to support and comfort me. It was painful, and made the pregnancy that much more real-- you see everything you're expelling, unlike a surgical abortion.

Three years later, I left that horrible job and was able to use it to get into a great career with great benefits. My boyfriend and I got married. I'm now 16 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. I disclosed my previous abortion to my midwife and she said medical abortions do not change your fertility one bit.

I sometimes think about what might have been, but now I do it no more than I do with any other huge life decision. The fact is that it's done and in the past. I'm excited to start my family on my own terms now that my husband and I are financially and emotionally ready for it.

Hope this helps. You're not alone, people just don't talk about it. PM me if you want any more information

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[–]androgynous_potato 2 points 17 hours ago* 

As someone who has helped a friend through this very situation. Please find an emotional support outside of your partner. Even a professional that you can both go to. I have seen first hand how the emotional toll can later on affect both a person and relationship. It's not an easy choice to make, even if it is the right one for you. Having someone who you can openly express your feelings to on neutral ground will be immensely helpful for you both to move forward. 

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[–](ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥carlinha1289[M] 2 points 15 hours ago 

This is a reminder this this thread is marked as support and is not the right place to debate abortion. Thank you. 

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[–]her_nibs 1 point 13 hours ago 

Apropos of a miscarriage I had a medical abortion, and it didn't quite do everything it needed to do, and I ended up having a D&C.

I do not regret trying the medical route first, just know that there's a tiny risk of that -- a cursory Google says "Medication abortion is about 95 to 98 percent effective." 

Be firm about requesting appropriate pain control.

It is very safe. (After the miscarriage &c I had a very healthy pregnancy.)

If I had fetched up pregnant at 24 I would have, no question, aborted. That would not have been the right time in my life, and if I had been in your shoes and not had a child at 24, I would have no regrets at all. (I am a 40yo with a 7yo kid, and really thrill to parenthood -- but ten years prior to when I chose it, I know it wouldn't have been the same deal.)

Please give yourself and your partner time to grieve; it's okay to want an abortion and not be happy about that. You might find the Japanese concept of liquid life an interesting/useful one.

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[–]lilikiwi 1 point 12 hours ago* 

Hey, I just want to offer some comfort as I've been through this recently (but in a completely different state of mind).

First off, HUGS, because this was hard for me to go through despite having not a single doubt, so I can only imagine your pain.

I fell pregnant back in December/January. I don't want children, at least in no way now. My BF has the same opinion. We'd been together less than a year (even though, I'm certain he's "the one" :) ). And I was about to leave for 6 months to the middle of nowhere, on the other side of the world, to finish my Master's degree. Even if we had wanted a child, then was not the right time for it. So not a doubt in my mind, nor his, and he supported me fully during the whole thing. I have absolutely no regrets, and yet... sometimes I do wonder... maybe having a child isn't so bad? the thought that this was a mix of "us", I can totally understand how emotional that gets. The whole thing has given me doubts on things I was so so certain of.

So now, back to you. If myself, as sure as I was, was still affected by the emotional aftermath, I'm afraid for you. I am by all means pro-choice, but we (family friends etc) know several cases where the abortion was done half-heartedly, and the girl was left with emotional scars that kinda fucked her up (normally rational girls doing stupid things such as sleeping around (a lot), lying to the SO about using birth control, one pretended she wanted to marry a guy so he would put a baby in her and she left him as soon as she was pregnant... years later the guy is still not over that), all this clearly to try to "get back" the child they had "lost"... 

Considering how affected you are already, and that your BF seems also emotionally ready for a child... maybe you should consider it? ((although your relationship is really young... so be careful)) Maybe talk to your parents about keeping the child, and would they be able/willing to help you out financially until you were back on your feet? My parents told me and my sister before that considering what they had seen, they would really rather we go through with the pregnancy and they would help us raise it, rather than risk our emotional health. Maybe your parents will consider that as well?

In any case, sending you lots of love and courage, because you have a decision to take and either way, it'll be difficult. HUGS