Beige

Beige. Today, I just feel beige. Bland, unexciting, descript. At a loss and emotionally disconnected from my surroundings. 
 
Last night I went to Chris's and I'm glad that I did, however clingy it sounds, I just don't know where I am at the moment and I can't stand to be in my own company. Clearly hormones are racing around my mind as one minuet I feel happy and positive, the next I'm crying in a corner unable to gain composure. I wanted to share how I felt, but it just didn't feel like the right time, it never does. He doesn't understand what I'm going through and how I feel now that I'm faced with the options. It's almost as though the knowing what I need to do makes it harder. I do want to keep it but I know it really isn't the right time - I know that, and I know he agrees. I think hearing him say it would just make me feel worse somehow. I'm in the mind-set now, I know what I've got to do on Friday. I will hope and pray for safety and the strength to get through it all, and get through it all together. 
 
I've just got to concentrate on the fact that, this isn't no forever. This isn't me, doing what's best for me but what's best for the potential child. I'm trying to be sensible, grown up and responsible, but society's views keep nagging at my brain making the guilt cloud over my judgement. I do want this one day and hopefully in the next couple of years. 
Soon after, in fact the very next day, we'll be moving into our new place which will symbolise a new, fresh start. I doubt I'll forget these dark days and I've got to get through Friday first which is likely to be a very emotional day. But I can't keep punishing myself for this, I need to sleep again, I need to get my life back on track...