A dream upon waking

Maybe it's torture revisiting these still very fresh memories, but then typing it out might help me cope with it all, the same method i've done for many years in this blog of mine.

I currently write this sat in my bed, surrounded by black bin bags crammed full with my much loved personal possessions, felt tip scrawlings all over them just stacked on top of each other in my bed. How i'm going to sleep in this tonight, I don't know but I'll have to try. Sleep feels like a very comforting thought right now, tempting but something I'll have to postpone for another few hours. I'm meant to be on my way to see Chris play his gig, and with a heavy heart i've decided to retire home instead, eventhough it is cold and now without it's cosey 'stuffing,' I don't feel I have the strength to socialize merrily as though nothing has happened whilst battling with the noise and shouting conversation. I need to try and build my strength up for tomorrow and the following day which are the big moving days. We picked up the keys earlier on, which was a great feeling and we trundled down the road from the agents to our door and happily got inside and rearranged furniture and started making big plans for where to put all our things.
We went for some late lunch but it was then I felt the past events catching up with me and I could feel myself getting heavier and heavier. I know Chris understands and he says he isn't expecting anything from me, and I won't be letting him down but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty and sad.

Yesterday was a very long day and we both went through a lot. I was so glad he was with me the whole time because I do wonder if I could have done it without him. I was nervous right from the moment I woke up, but not sure why as I'd done my research and felt well prepared. We rushed to the tube and darted about trying to get there on time, to eventually get there and be faced with an empty reception desk. I felt my heart sink, I just wanted to be home as soon as possible but I worried it was going to get off to an awkward, slow start.
Eventually I got seen but sadly at this point it was only me who was aloud in the room. The nurse was polite enough, but cold and it left me feeling lonely, frightened, and in need of my mum. I have missed her a lot recently, mainly because this is all such a big life event that I can't really share with her, but sat in front of this sourfaced lady, lecturing me without any feeling made me want to abandon the idea altogether and run away.
She kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to go through with it, I couldn't answer but could only nod. Of course I didn't want to, but knew I had to, I knew I was here because it was best in the situation. I laid on the bed while I was scanned, I wondered what was going on in there. She told me to get down, and I surprised myself by asking if I could see the print outs. She passed them over face down, and I opened them up to see the black, the fuzz, the codes and writing that didn't make any sense to me. All I could depict was a round little blob, like an olive, near the top left of the frame. I passed it back to her and didn't feel much, it was surreal, I couldn't believe it was actually inside me.
She gave me the tablet and I knew there was no going back. I was to return in 5 hours time for the final tablets. As she told me more about the proceedure, I felt these deep, sobs come from within. I had done so well to keep it all together up until this point, and I started to shake and cried. She carried on talking at me and I tried to listen, but really I just feel completely and utterly sorry. This poor little being was going away again, after only a short stay...what gave me the right. I tried my utmost to compose myself but it was clear on Chris's unsettled face that I must have looked awful. Other patients waiting stared at me and I quickly walked away. I didn't say a word until we got outside, he hugged me and I wailed. He held me close and I continued to shake but he held me steady.
We walked, talked, got coffee and breakfast for a couple of hours and wondered how we were going to spend the rest of the time. We decided to amble about for a bit, walked all the way to our new house, got some lunch, just distracted ourselves and focused on the house move.
We walked back to the hospital, we waited for a bit and I could feel my limbs grow weaker. I went in and saw the same nurse who seemed to have changed her tune since the first time around, I just did what i had to do and we got a taxi home. I felt relieved to be home. The evening was filled with hot water bottles, tears, movies and comfort food. It was exactly what I needed. It was awful, but I was so grateful I was there with him. I will be haunted by what I saw and I hope to never go through it again. I hope I am forgiven...

Now I need to rest, calm myself and pack the rest of my things. Tomorrow I will try and clean where I can and get ready for him to come by after work to help load up my stuff...I hope it goes ok, I hope I start to feel happy tomorrow...