Won't know til you're faced with it

My best friend messaged me last night saying she was feeling really down and lost because low and behold, her younger sister was pregnant. She found out accidentally by looking through her post, she was shocked and upset. It had an effect on me to actually because I do know her sister well and it does seem a bit of a surprise, she is 'young' emotionally as well as the four year difference. It is still a secret though, I can't imagine it must feel for her, she was saying how she though that she'd always felt it would be her first. I told Chris about it as I read the message as he was right next to me and I couldn't help but react out loud. It soon progressed into a conversation with him asking; 'so, say if you were financially comfortable, if you found you were, would you start a family now?' without thinking too much I agreed to it humbly, saying I felt as though I was in the mindset to be ready now, he reacted with awws and 'that's sweet.' When I returned the question he said he kinda wanted to put it off for as long as possible, which I must admit, made my heart sink a lil bit. But then again, of course that's a very sensible answer. Men don't have to worry about that so much whereas ladies do a bit more. I said 27 is the age id like to ideally, it was amazing we were even having the conversation. It was nice and chilled out though, neither of clammed up or shut down. I don't know why it's been the focus of my attention lately, I mean sure it's always been on the back burner but recently I've been thinking about it lots more. Maybe it's my hormones. 

It did make me realise that if I were to find out that I was now, he wouldn't want to keep it. So id have to...get rid of it. Oh, it just sounds so awful :( thinking like that has opened up all sort of other fears. Like, although I wouldn't say I was religious or anything, I can't help but contemplate that by doing that sort of thing it is classified as a major sin. I've committed all sorts of other sins in my lifetime that I'm not at all proud of, but, this feels significantly worse somehow. I guess it's because, it a life, it isn't just me anymore but another being. Some extremists call it murder. And when I think about that too long I then edge towards more keeping it. - but what a gamechanger that would be my god! My freedom would be over, money would be tighter than ever, my career would be on ice...relationship is likely to be strained, parents would be concerned. Mum would probably warm to the idea quickly, but I think although he'd never say it I reckon dad would be disappointed. He'd warm to it to eventually, but I think he'd be sad I hadn't given my career a real go. 

Sigh. Chris's parents wouldn't be thrilled I don't think. His mum has talked about it, but said 'give it a year first please!' It's funny because he jokes about it a bit, 'bun in the oven' all that sort of thing, but yeah, I don't think it's something he's seriously thought about. The thing is, I could have asked him last night but really I was worried about what he'd say. If he'd be like 'no way oh my god no, would be just terrible' I probably wouldn't be able to hide the tears. Regardless of the fact that I'm probably not! It's just the worst case scenario....worst?goodness, it's such a minefield. I think really, we would need to give it longer - for us and our relationship, the chance to plan a bit and save what we can. We haven't even moved in together yet. 

A week, yep, by next week I'll know for sure. So, all this thinking and worrying isn't helping anything! I need to cool it down and just worry if it comes to it.