Wait and see

I feel a bit calmer about things although nothing has really been resolved. Just playing the waiting game. 
I took a test and it said a clear negative very quickly but then I wondered if it could be too soon to tell. It is still on the backburner and it will be until I know everything will be ok.
Maybe it's all this worry draining me, maybe it's just nerves, hormones, who knows, but I feel bummed out and sad. Last night Chris called me and we had a chat and it was lovely to speak and catch up on little things but at the same time I felt like everything he was saying was generally wrong and upsetting. It wasn't his fault, next month is looking to be a busy month, but it didn't stop my heart from sinking. There's his upcoming sporting event that seems to be his only focus, a podcast thing with a friend that he seems to completely write me out of, I just worry that this will be how it always is. I found that I just felt alone, I just wished that I had more friends near me who I could do things with instead, just feel like I leach off him and that doesn't feel good.
 
I guess I just need to pour all this energy into my new creative projects and just hope for the best. In just over a couple of weeks we'll be moving into a new place, which should be very exciting. But at the moment I just feel apprehensive about it all. I guess I still don't really know what he thinks about it all, is he looking forward to it? There's a lot that needs to happen before then, my mind is easily lost with all the chaos.
Sometimes I think we work well together and we're generally way ahead of the game, although it's only been about 8 months it can feel like years. But this week, I feel like it's still very early days in the grand scheme of things. And depending on how grand that scheme is, it could very well be. 
Living together will either cement this, or drive us further apart - I am fully aware of this. I will do everything I can to make sure we can be as strong as we can be, but he's got to make the effort to.
 
When I was thinking about what we'd do if I was faced with the worst case scenario, of course for a brief moment I thought about keeping it. But reading lots into other peoples advise on similar subjects, it occurred to me how easy it is for the guy to just abandon you. I can see why people desire getting married so much. I don't think I could imagine him doing that to me, but still feeling such early days doesn't really prove much. I don't feel as though I'd be able to support them myself, especially financially. I'd also be bringing someone into the world when I personally don't feel like I've made a significant enough indent on it already.  
 
In 6 days i'll be 25. That feeling just feels...meh. I'm far from where I really want to be, which is embarrassing. But then, with each year that goes by I like to think that i'm getting closer. Quarter of a century. Blimey...