26.7.15

Reaching out

[–]Evereth 41 points  

First off, big hugs. You will get through this.

You say your relationship is in a "great place emotionally," but are so afraid of how he'll react. Do you think that's your own issues that you're projecting on him? If the relationship is strong, it feels like you should be able to have faith that he will be able to handle this news respectfully and that you can take the next steps together.

For instance, why do you think he would think you did it on purpose? That would be an extremely suspicious and malicious thing for him to assume, and that just seems... unlikely, if your relationship is otherwise strong. And as far as worrying about him being "upset and annoyed he's even in the situation," well, is he honestly that selfish? Why are you prioritizing protecting his feelings so much over your need for support? 

And why are you taking so much of the responsibility for this on yourself? If he resents you for becoming pregnant -- something he had equal part in, understanding that HBC is not 100% effective -- then honestly, he's an asshole. But you don't seem to indicate that he is otherwise.

Another thing to consider is... if you don't tell him, and he finds out somehow further down the road, it may be worse and more stressful for your relationship then. Not telling him also means that you will always have this experience that you can't tell him about, and that will weigh on you. 

Obviously, I don't know enough about you or the relationship to really tell you what to do. There are definitely situations in which it's better not to tell a partner about an abortion; for instance, it can be very dangerous in an abusive relationship. 

However, I worry you may be fixating on what you perceive will be the negative fallout, and missing the chance to work through this with some support.

[–]xxabie 8 points  

I would tell him. If you're absolutely sure he won't want a child as well, (and I've been there - I totally understand that your circumstances are probably not right to bring a child into comfortably) then tell him, but also tell him you're planning to have an abortion.

You two need to at least discuss it - you need his support now and afterwards. And he deserves your honesty.

Say you guys end up together for years and years - can you imagine keeping that secret from him for so long? Easier to let him know and you can help each their through the experience.

If he immediately blamed you for being pregnant; something that is not your fault, then he is not a good guy. But if you're feeling like your relationship is going well emotionally, then trust that he cares enough about you to help you through this difficult time.

[–]ElysianBlight 14 points  

I know you don't want to lose this relationship because it feels good, and you are freaking out, but please stop and think for a moment.

If he might react badly (blaming, resenting, etc) then is he really the kind of guy you want to be with? True, it's only been 8 months and love/trust take time to grow.. but how he treats you now is still a major idication of his character. If he leaves you over this, then you deserved better.

If he doesn't leave - if he is gentle and kind and supportive - then you may even come out stronger and more confident in one another at the end.

But don't let your dream of having an amazing relationship lead you to creating the idea of one that isnt really there.

[–]magiblack74 10 points  

I would tell him. He may not react the way you think. He may support the abortion. I personally do not support that option but it is your life. I personally literally became a dad in a day because my girlfriend did not know she was pregnant. I would not have forgiven her if she kept that from me. Now 6 years later we have a beautiful intelligent son. It was not part of my plan. I was the same age you were 25 but it worked out. We are all living together as a family.

[–]HSLG 9 points  

My friend had an abortion without telling her then boyfriend a few years ago. As much as I supported her, she needed him. It takes two to make a baby and you shouldn't be the only one to deal with this. 

Remember that you didn't get pregnant on your own so you shouldn't have to deal with it on your own - it's as much his problem as it is yours. Your relationship with undoubtedly take a hit, but can you imagine telling him in a few years? He'll be devastated. 

[–]RinkaAnn 2 points  

If you plan on continuing the relationship, tell him. That's a pretty big thing to cover up and if it comes out at a later date (these things happen), it could blow up in your face. It's best to be honest - it's what you would expect from someone who cares about you, so it's only right that you treat him with the same respect.

[–]biteythesquirrel 2 points  

Personally, I think you should tell him. You need his support now more than ever. If he's resentful or breaks up with you over something that isn't your fault, is he really the guy you want to be with?

[–]kahlualua 2 points  

Keeping something like this a secret is not going to be good for your relationship. If he can't handle it, you're planning to have an abortion anyway right? So maybe he will at least be supportive. I don't think you have to tell him, but if you're planning to stay with him, you should. 

[–]iron_crow 4 points  

Tell him, but reserve the right to act unilaterally if need be

[–]Rozeline 1 point  

A pregnancy is a big deal, whether you keep it or you don't. As such, it would be a huge breach of trust not to tell him about it. Telling him is, of course, your only obligation. You do not have to keep it or abort it based on his wishes, but if he's good to you and in a committed relationship with you, he absolutely deserves to know what's going on. Also, if you cannot agree on when/if to have children, you are simply not compatible. It's not something that can be compromised on.

[–]enigmasaurus- 2 points  

Honestly, I think you should tell him. Work through it together. Right now you sound very afraid and confused, and that isn't the place from which to make a decision. If he is the sort of person who will freak out and look to accuse you of doing this on purpose, then maybe it's a sign he's not the man you deserve - a person who loves you would not be so manipulative. If you do want a future together, a secret between you like this could be corrosive. If he loves you he will do so unconditionally, whatever choice you make.

[–]roboribbit 4 points  

he might think i did it on purpose or something (of course this is an accident and I've never done anything like that before, would never dream it!) he will so upset and annoyed he's even in the situation. Through all the pain and tears I think I'll have to abort it without him knowing because I think the news will completely destroy our relationship and his trust in me, even though I never planned for this

If this actually were his reaction, I don't think the relationship was meant to be in the first place. How can you move in with someone who doesn't trust you, who would assume you are lying about getting pregnant on accident?

I don't know him but I think most people would not react that way. Most people would WANT to know and would WANT to work things out. If he's a good guy, he will support you emotionally and you won't feel so alone through this time. If I were in his position, I would want to know too.

[–]justaperfectstranger 3 points  

Dude here. I wasn't sure that I ever wanted to have kids. After I found out that my little guy was on the way I couldn't be happier. I think you at least owe it to your guy to tell him. 

[–]predpilot85 3 points  

Absolutely talk to him. You both created that baby, you both need to determine what you should do.

I feel like you're so afraid of his reaction, that you're not thinking about anything else. If he breaks up with you over this, then you kind of have an idea of the type of guy he is. Do you really want to be with someone who will dump you because he got you pregnant? 

[–]JaredLetoMadeMeDoIt -3 points  

What baby? There is no freaken baby.

[–]predpilot85 1 point  

Maybe you should google pregnancy real quick...

Spoiler alert- there's a baby growing in her belly.

[–]CandyMFcorn 3 points  

Hurrdurr "but it's not technically a baby yet" huuurr.

[–]bset222 1 point  

You really should talk to him, if you care for him its the only option.

[–]restlessgrad 2 points  

If you don't know him well enough to know how he'll react, I say don't tell him. Similarly, if you know him well enough to know how he'll react and you know he's going to react badly, I say don't tell him. 

Or, tell him and be prepared to break up. It would not be ending over an accidental pregnancy in that case. It would end over a fundamental difference in how you see your lives shaping up over the next few years and/or your values. 

In terms of his input as to whether or not you go through with the pregnancy? No, he can't have any. Sorry. Biology isn't fair. The 9 months of pregnancy and birth fall on you, as does breastfeeding. The lifelong effects of pregnancy, birth or having a c-section are all yours to deal with. Yes, his sperm is involved. But it's your body and it is extremely rare for the woman to walk out on a newborn and leave it with the guy - if you guys break up, you'll likely be a single mom. 

[–]dewfairy 1 point  

You need to tell him. It's half his. I'd never forgive my partner for having an abortion without telling me. That right there would end the relationship. 

[–]restlessnotions 1 point  

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, except I knew my boyfriend was adamant against having kids. It was literally his worst fear. I had an abortion without telling him. I was upset about it, especially since I wasn't talking to him about it and it ended up coming out in an argument. He was furious that I didn't tell him. Didn't trust him enough to tell him. He never forgave me and it ended our relationship.

[–]nikosthedes 1 point  

So when i was 17 on two seperate occasions i got my girlfriend at the time pregnant. She was on birth control(but always forgot to take it) and i wasnt wearing a condom. So i was just as responsible for the life we created as she was. On both occasions she had abortions without telling me. Many years later around the time I was 24 i found out from one of her friends. It was the most heartbreaking thing i have ever heard in my life! I wish she would have told me about it. I live with regret everyday because she kept that from me. It also made me think that she didn't love me or respect me if she wasn't willing to say she was pregnant with my child. Im not saying you should have to keep the child, but if you love this guy amd care about him in the long run, you should definitely discuss it with him. As far as i know that guilt never goes away, and i never had a say in the matter. She made a choice that i believe should have been at least discussed with me and i still think about it when im alone 3 years later. Sorry for the long post I hope you find the courage to tell him. If he cares about you he will support you in any way you need. Good luck.

[–]bad_memory_bot 1 point  

Here's my thoughts, but I've never had an abortion without my partner's knowledge: 

You could tell him now, see how he reacts. If he blames you or bails on the relationship, better to see those true colors now. 

Or you could not tell him, only to get into a great relationship and eventually want kids, where he finds out then that you did this behind his back.

Obviously there's many "in-between" outcomes, I would just rather be in situation #1 than situation #2. I hope he's going to support you, and have this join you together not separate you apart. You deserve support in your time of need, not a slap in the face. If he will be a supportive partner, he will be with you through this. 

Good luck. I hoe you get past this with your head held high :) 

[–]BmoreGrrl 0 points  

It's your body and your right to not tell him, but honesty is important. Please know that it's wrong to tell him after...it's going to have to be a secret forever~ I personally would tell him that you are getting an abortion. It's going to be tough to hide from him if you both are sexually active on a regular. 

[–]feral_hippie 1 point  

I would definitely let him know before you do anything. 

[–]ihtcaun 1 point  

Do you have a close friend/family that knows both of you that you can get advice from? Even an older coworker that you will see every day that can support you before, during and after your decision? 

[–]dashing_nash 0 points  

I would love to be a mother, so very much. 

I get the feeling that this is what you want.. Truly deeply. But you're scared of the consequences.. You can have the baby.. And I believe you could do it alone.. You could even choose to give it up for adoption.. I think you should discuss things with your boyfriend ..

I am devastated because I'd love to have a baby

Have you had an abortion before.. For some reason I think you'll find it devastating.

[–]Iforgotmybucket [score hidden]  

Most women who have abortions are either already mothers, or plan on being mothers in the future, and still over 95% of women who have had abortions believe it was the right decision even years later. 

Just because you want something in life, doesn't mean you're ready for it. I would love to own a house, but I'm not in a position to make a down payment right now.

[–]dashing_nash [score hidden]  

Is don't know where you got the stats from.. Whether you pulled it out of the sky.. I'm not really bothered.. I don't wanna talk about stats and political bs.. My post is an honest response to what the OP.. Your stats may be accurate.. 

But I see the OP has clearly stated she would at least in part like to have this baby.. She has reffered to it as a baby rather than 'it' or 'foetus'. Language which shows some level of affection.

OP has said she would like to have this baby if things were different.. And I am saying .. OP if you want this baby.. Deep down in your heart .. Then you should have it.. You are strong enough... 

Edited..

[–]throwaway57458 1 point  

This is a big deal and you need to tell him. If you don't, you better make sure he never finds out.

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