It just...hasn't sunk in at all. 

Went to the doctors and spoke to a nice nurse who talked through a few options, I held it together pretty well until it came to her advise to tell him. I cried.

I went home, called the number she gave me to arrange to go to a clinic to terminate it, the tears fell, my voice was shaky and my head has been a funk ever since. In some ways I can't believe this is happened, but in others of course it made sense on paper. They offered counselling which I accepted. Tomorrow they will call and talk me through it all and book an appointment. 

Everywhere around me is babies, children's, adverts, my heart is sinking at the thought that there is currently a lil woofs inside me and I'm contemplating sending it away. 

He called me and I pretended like everything was fine, but, it's not. I just don't know if I can tell him, I know everyone advised me to but now I'm actually faced with it, I just don't know if I can. He won't trust me again, he will feel pressured, annoyed, upset, hurt, confused...I feel all those things to but, I've kept many a secret before and this is another one I could just never tell a soul. But, I don't feel it would be fair to. 

I really need a friend :( and he's my best friend. But I need an outside opinion. I'm thinking maybe dad, even though we've never talked about anything like this before. I worry he'd judge me. But this can't be about pride anymore, I'm in a situation and I've got to deal with the cards that have been dealt. Thankfully, I have a bit of time to think about it, but not too much. 

I'm meeting Chris now but for unrelated reasons completely, going for lunch and a catch up. He's going for a swim, I'm gunna watch him, it's then his stepdads birthday party and I've got to find all my inner strength to pretend this isn't happening to me. I've got to put on the bravest face I ever have. 

When I see him, it's either all going to come spilling out of me all I'll bury it deep inside. 

The thing is, I know I want a baby one day, I want lots of babies. But, I want to know I can support them like my parents did. I want to know always I did my best, that it was planned, that it was something I was prepared for. Because I know children can pick up on these things and I wouldn't ever want them to know that I felt...like this. I want to be overjoyed and happy, not fearful of what he'll say, what if he leaves me?