Game changer

Back to normality after a long, eventful and colourful weekend of music, film, dancing, drink and camping. It was absolutely amazing. 
I haven't been to a festival in many years, the last time being when I was about 18 and with Ben. However, I don't recall the same positive energy with the memories largely tainted by the fact he got too drunk and hit me, making me cry and our workmates overhear which was humiliating on every level...not the best experience to be honest. It was more drink fuelled, it rained, it was grey and dirty and the bands were ok but I felt I was going more as a plus one for him than my own festival experience. 
I am happy to say that Latitude was far from all of that, it was just wonderful. The bands we saw were ones who I never would have thought I'd ever see, the environment was much cleaner, respectful, fun and varied, we were so lucky with the weather to, sunshine throughout. Although neither of us had said anything about it during the lead up, I think we both felt as though having four consecutive days together could be a bit much and we might argue, but it didn't happen at all. In fact, we weren't even close to it, it all fell into place perfectly and we really worked well as a team and to be honest, I think it brought us closer together. I just feel, incredibly lucky. 
 
Work has felt slow today in comparison but it's good to be back again and it's nice to feel missed. There are worries on my mind though, and from one point of view I'm trying hard not to think too much about it because it only magnifies things, but at the same time, it would be very irresponsible if I didn't address it. 
For the past two years or so, I haven't been on the pill. There were the odd couple of months here and there were I tried, but it affects my moods so badly and I just feel awful, I end up coming off them. Whenever I go to the doctors they seem to give me something worse than the time before. I also don't like the idea of meddling too much down there. I hate it when my time of the month comes around, but at the same time, it shows everything's still as it should be. When getting pills involved it really seems to scramble it all up. I realise when typing this, it all seems very silly because I shouldn't be keeping it to myself. After all, it's very important. But, I don't really have anyone besides Chris to talk to about it, and I don't really think he wants to know too much and he probably doesn't know how it all works and such. I read the words back and don't think I've made very mature decisions, however, for some reason I worry that by taking birth control I might never be able to get pregnant in future. It seems daft I know, and there are plenty of examples out there in the world proving that's not the case. It's just a dread I have lodged in my mind. I do want children one day, I've been thinking more about it now than ever before. I used to say 25 was the year, but then, I also thought a lot more would have happened before then so it doesn't really seem plausible. But I suppose this is one of the first times I've been with someone who's been thinking about the future to, talking about children, what he'd do as a dad, all that sort of thing. It's really lovely to hear, I enjoy talking about it - but in a healthy way of course! 
He thinks I am on the pill, though. I guess I just didn't want to go into all the details because it shows my weaknesses. It also means having to go into details about things that stops the fun, spontaneity of sex that we really enjoy. I also think it would make him more nervous which would just, spoil our usual flow. However recently, it feels as though we're closer than ever before and on a couple of occasions during the weekend he finished inside me and for some reason, I wasn't felt with worry at the time, but I was happy that he felt he could. 
This of course, was one of the worst things I could allow to happen. He trusted me when I haven't been 100% honest. In the past when this has occurred, I got a morning after pill to be safe, however I didn't enjoy taking it, or the way it made me feel - of course, I would have done this if we weren't at a festival, but I just didn't want to spoil things...I'm such an idiot. In about 2 weeks I'll know for sure, I mean, it might be that everything's fine. But, what if it isn't? What the heck would I do? 
I've been weighing it up in my mind constantly. This is a big deal, the sort that changes lives. On the outside, I think to myself I wouldn't keep it, because we're not ready financially, or in the right housing set up, that sort of thing. I can't speak for him, but I believe emotionally we're both ready, but it would put a stain on things - a very big one. It would speed things up no end, and we've already done a fair bit of that. It could potentially break us. But, if it were true and I were faced with it, could I go through with it? Could I have it on my consciousness for the rest of my life? I'm not so sure. 
See, if I did decide that, I wouldn't want him to know because he would feel scared, angry to be in the situation and hurt. It would be putting a pressure on him he's probably not ever faced before. I feel as though, it would be so terribly difficult, but, I could handle it on my own. But then again, what if he were to find out? It is his decision to, it's not all for me to make. So, I probably would tell him...it would be incredibly difficult. It would break his trust and would really...mess things up I'm sure. I know my heart would gush at the idea, I would love to keep it, so much, but it wouldn't be fair bringing someone into the world when I'm still relying on dad for support, in the big city working a part time job. It wouldn't just be me anymore, it would be me and an offspring - everything would change from then on.
I can feel that he will be the father to my children one day, I really could. Our parents talk about, we talk about it and it feels right. But, we haven't even been together a year yet, it would be...an absolute gamechanger, there is no denying it. Sigh. We'll just have to wait and see, whatever happens, happens for a reason...