My anxiety feels bad today. I feel worried, but I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because now i'm not afraid to brand it as actual 'anxiety' and now the word stares me in the face and it puts me a little on edge, perhaps a bit defeated. I have always had it, and will continue to live with it. Some days go by where I don't notice it at all, and then there are others where it's all I can think about.
It could also be the change finally sinking in. - Maybe it's all of the things. But it does feel very apparent that soon, I'm going to have to start properly planning; cancelling direct debits, I worry if i'll ever be paid for the final bills, setting up new ones, organising how much money I need to put aside for everything, my life, my career...it feels like an impossible task somehow. But I know I've just got to tackle it bit by bit.
I spent last week and a fair bit of this week selling things on ebay to try and pull together whatever I could. It was largely a success, I didn't realise how much I had that other people may have wanted to purchase! It is by no means megabucks, but it'll certainly help. I've been walking to and from work, bringing in lunch, basically trying to get through each day without spending anything. It is hard though, very hard in the big city where everything looks appealing but everything is dear.
Last weekend was wonderful. We rode bikes around the massive parks, rowed boats on the lake and ate ice cream in the sun. Chris also surprised me with my early birthday present which I was not expecting, a weekend ticket to Latitude festival! It really was quite amazing, his attention to detail and his efforts to make it a real surprise, I've never experienced before. There I was thinking we were camping in Cumbria when actually we're going to dance the whole week away! I am so excited, but it's so soon, and to be honest, I'm a little unprepared for it. It feels like so much loveliness is happening in such a short space of time, I'm unable to keep up with it all! But, it's certainly something I shouldn't be worrying about, goodness I am so unbelievably lucky. He actually cried as I opened it, it was so sweet, it's not often that I really see him express how he feels but I could tell this really meant a lot to him. I was lost for words to be honest, the emotions overcame me.
This week looks to be a bit less organised but that's okay. It gives me time to catch up with family and put a plan of action together, that's if the green light is still shining of course.
Last night I showed one of Chris's friends around the house, as she's interested in moving to London soon. I've met her on a few occasions but it's usually in a loud bar or club and we've both had a couple so not much is remembered or savoured. I was a bit apprehensive, not only because I didn't know her too well but also in case she felt she had to be nice about the room, or have to take it, because I was going out with her friend. But when it came to it, it didn't seem that way it all. It was actually a really lovely evening. For the first time in a very long time, I really enjoyed female company! We talked about boys and dates and got drunk on cocktails, it was fun and I hope to do it again soon. Who knows.
I suppose reading back to below entry, the worries and concerns going around my mind have dumbed down a bit, but they haven't fully gone away. On my walk home today I'll call dad and hopefully chat it all out, which will be nice, it's much overdue...
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(last week entry)
It's been a rather odd week, maybe it's the temperature changes, the sudden rush of summer humidity and the quietness at work. IT has all left me feeling a bit, indifferent I suppose. I thought it was time to update with another entry while I have the opportunity, although there probably isn't much for me to say when it actually all breaks down.
A lot has happened in a week though, when I think about how I was feeling this time last week. All prepared to view a new place with fairly neutral expectations. I knew it has potential to be a nice place, but you've got to be so careful managing your expectations when it comes to property. You spend hours trawling the net, adverts, picking out favourites, making lists, emailing back and fourth trying to arrange viewings. There are cancellations, let downs, and then of course if it comes to looking around the place, it could look nothing like the photos or be in an awful area. Stress is inevitable. And it can all fall through at any moment, for any reason, so you've got to keep a cool head at all times but this can be hard to maintain.
Luckily, we both pulled together our holiday monies, put the holding deposit down earlier in the week and now it appears to be ours. Forms have been signed and sent, it's all starting to feel a bit more real. I go through short phases of being incredibly excited one moment, to being overcome by nerves the next. Questions start rolling around my mind; What does Chris really think about all of this? Is he scared? How do I feel about all of this? This could be what makes or breaks our relationship...what if you can't afford it? I'm going to have to get a new job again...and that idea brings along another, even more frightening set of questions. Thing is, none of this is surprising as it was all on the cards just, not so soon. But then, this is life! and it is for living! Sometimes you just have to pull everything together while you can, and see what happens. At least that way you know you did what you could, even if it didn't go to plan as such.
Overall though, I am excited for the future. And, I think already me and Chris make a good team. He encourages me in ways I didn't think were possible, I realise that he is what I've needed to come along into my life, to really...look after me.
The new job thing does fill me with dread, of course. My laptop has died which is a big problem, I'll have to update and create an entire CV and cover letter all over again, which I've managed to make very tricky for myself as usual. Then there's all the applying malarkey to hear nothing at all, it's all such a build up for lacklustre responses. But then, I've done it before. And I started to enjoy it when I got into it. I think Chris will help inspire me to keep going, as well as my family. And when I know that our living situation depends on it, I'm pretty sure that will give me the kick I need to get started. Sigh, but then of course I need to decide...what it is I want to do. There's too much to choose from, and I'm scared of making the wrong decisions. Ah well, I suppose first I need to see what's out there. Maybe something not too far from what I'm doing now. We'll see. One thing at a time.
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