All I've ever wanted to do...

I realise this is life, sometimes it throws things your way that you're not really prepared for or expecting.

And sometimes, you've just got to know when to say 'no' and draw a line under things. 

For my entire life I have struggled with this concept and it has affected my judgement of many situations, most of which I dealt with in the wrong way. I'm not sure where this has come from, but I've never really challenged it and always give in to the desire to please everyone, all the time. I wish it were possible, but I know in reality of course it isn't. So many people have no idea what they want or what makes them happy, so there will always be something that stops it from actually being true. Ultimately though, I am not happy in these situations, and come out of it exhausted, confused and usually alone. We're all adults now, and if they get themselves in the position to ask then they should be able to handle a negative answer. 

That's what I should keep telling myself. Because that's why people from my past like Dan and Olive keep trying to come back into my life and screw with my mind. 

I guess there's always a sense of unfinished business with Dan, and once upon a time when I succumbed and we acted on these feelings it gave us both a flavour of what it was like, and maybe that wasn't a good thing long term. I mean, of course it was fun at the time but the knock on effects, not so much. He always calls the shots, he knows what he wants but for some reason he is intrigued by my me and can't seem to let it go. When I talk to him, I probably don't help things. But, coming from someone so successful, confident, attractive, it is very easy to get caught up in it all. But today I'm going to to delete our past conversations, which marks a real end of an era. I know they happened, that's enough. I don't want Chris to perhaps stumble upon it and be concerned because I know, I only want him. I don't want to spoil things over something that never even happened.

And, it's done. Cleared. I don't feel anything really. And that in itself proves that all that content was just a fantasy, because in reality me and him were very different. He's actually rather shy and awkward, and there's all sorts of things we don't talk about or connect with. Just physical, and I know that all that only goes so far. 

And it really hit home when I talked to mum and Rick about what I'd been up to and how much of it seemed to involve Chris, how significant our relationship had become in such a short time. For the first time, mum seems excited about him. they both really like him a lot and are very enthusiastic about us as a couple, and when I told her we're going on holiday together, her face lit up with joy! I tried on a couple of dresses she had made and as she put pins along the hem we talked about marriage and babies, and somehow it felt natural. I mean, sure, it's very early days! But, as much as we haven't always seen eye to eye, her option means a lot to me and I get the feeling she's not so worried about me anymore. 

So, I need to fully commit to our future together as this is what I want. I want to make him happy, that's all I ever want to do...