I wish I knew what the fuck I was doing.
It has been a rather turbulent couple of weeks emotionally, for reasons completely unknown to me. However, after the advice of my family and friends, I am starting to feel a bit better about things. Mumton really did give me some excellent words of wisdom in the form of an email;
'You're bound to miss Joe especially at the end of the day when you're tired and feeling bored with your work. It also doesn't help not being able to mix with like minded girlfriends or be able to come home and play x box with your brother or chat with me over dinner. I know you're an adult now but it's often easier for youngsters who stay closer to home to keep a better perspective on things...possibly...because of the distraction of family and school friends, if you're lucky and they're still around, but then all my friends went to uni and we lost touch so I know what it's like, as I only had your dad as a friend when I was young. Don' t waste time thinking about what could have been, look to the future and all the good stuff that's on the horizon.
You were with Joe the longest and went through a lot together. You knew his family well, even shared a flat with his brother for ages. You grew up together; but it's important to remember all the things about Joe that upset you, not just the good things. You say he really understood you but he didn't seem able to understand why you were upset when he didn't come home, or why he didn't do any housework, shopping or make you a meal in the evening when you came home from London at 10.00 pm and how he never paid his bills. Joe was lovely, but he was still a boy and that wasn't what a woman needs. You gave him lots of chances and I'm sure he wanted to be what you wanted him to, but I suspect he didn't think he could be and that's not a recipe for happiness pumpkin.
You deserve to have a long, healthy and happy life. We're social animals and we need to love and be loved, we need food in our bellies, a warm safe place to live and be with people who we love and love us back, this is more important than a career but the two don't have to exclude the other. People who put career first can often end up with very little else, which is sad. It's all about balance and you know this.
We're looking forward to meeting Chris, don't be nervous about it. You can be confident if I'm worried about anything I'll tell you and I hope you would too.
Here endeth the lesson.'
After reading it, I felt this large grey cloud that was hanging over my head vanish. I felt lighter, felt a smile cross my face, for the first time in a while. She was right, 'don't waste time thinking about what could have been.'
It made me feel bad that I had assumed she had read my original pouring of thoughts and decided not to reply. She actually took a good deal of time putting together a very well balanced and thoughtful email.
Sigh, this evening is a night out for one of Chris's friends birthdays, and I really do intend to get incredibly drunk. I just want to let myself go and enjoy myself, don't want to dwell on things, pick up on stupid little petty stuff. I can't look for reasons to get annoyed, I just want to have fun.
Tomorrow Chris and I are going to see my family, which I am looking forward to but I am nervous about it to. Mainly because I am worried about what he'll say about them afterwards. Because if he says anything mean or a bit rude, I won't take it well at all! Hopefully there won't be anything of that nature to say, I love my family and I think they're a fair representation of me...ah blimey...
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