I got in, went to the gym, had a bit of lunch and then all of sudden this wave of deep, unpredictable sadness came over me and I cried very deep sobs. I wished somebody was in the house yet at the same time im glad they weren't as it felt good to let it out openly. I looked up at the ceiling for some sort of comfort as I sighed in realisation that yes, ive blown it. My life. My love. How I miss him, deep into my bones, the irreplaceable sort that I can't imagine feeling ever again. Then the guilt came with brutality, soon followed by the notion of 'I deserved this' for doing all the things I did in the past. This is my punishment.
I realise this will be something I'll take with me to my grave. Something I won't be able to share with anyone, it'll be my secret regret, following me around everywhere I go.
Ive been more and more tempted to get a tattoo that is symbolic of this, encompasses all we were and how much he'll always mean to me eventhough I know we will never 'be' again. Almost as a sort of constant reminder, that I'll never forget and I'll never let myself forget.
I know this is all...too much. Too over the top, but, it's just the way im feeling today. One day we will be reunited, but, goodness knows when.
In this moment I really wanted someone to talk to and realised there wasn't really anyone...which made me feel even sadder. But then there was dad, who I texted and he called back almost right away. I told him everything and instantly felt better, he always makes the pain go away...
God, what the hell am I doing?
I realise that I need to give things time. Im not giving Chris the chance to come out of his shell, I mean, it's still such early days. It's going to take me a very long time to heal, ive just got to accept that and try and move on. Ive got to start focusing on the future now, I can't keep doing this to myself. He won't forgive me for hurting him twice....
*
Monday.
The thing is, we seem to go through these short phases of winding each other up and then having a lovely time. I think it's affected by how tired we both are, which is fair enough I suppose. and then my hormonal situation never seems to help, making me assume the worst and not be able to let things go.
Indeed, Chris has his irritating tendencies. But he is also incredibly generous and very quick to welcome me into his family which is incredibly endearing.
Yesterday was his mum and stepdads engagement party and their entire family was there to celebrate. It was a fest of disco music, alcohol and ping pong that went onto into the small hours...with more and more alcohol! It was lots of fun and everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves. I have a particular soft spot for his grandparents who have been together for 53 years and still look at each other with a love in their eyes that teenagers feel when they first kiss hehe it's just so lovely to see. I met his brother too, who is a really lovely young chap. I'm glad we had a chance to meet at last, I think we got along well.
As the night wore on everyone got drunker. Lynn gave me a hug and a kiss and said how much she liked me, I felt truly honoured to be a part of their special occasion after such a short time knowing them all. A chart song came on and Chris's nan came over and hugged him slurring 'you should sing this to phoebe!' It made me smile. For a moment, I looked at him and wondered if I could see myself be a part of this family of his. Could I marry this man? After all my recent thoughts and wonderings? It was only the day previous I was crying at memories and contemplating tattoos. Clearly, my mind is all over the flaming place.
Towards the end of the night he held me close and said how he'd had a great night, how everyone liked me and how proud he was to introduce me to everyone, which made me feel so happy. I was a little apprehensive before the evening and was also concerned I'd get far too drunk as I tend to do at this occasions! But I managed to keep it together!
A few of his best friends came and popped over to say hello and have a couple of drinks, which was fun. I really like his close friends, they're such lovely people and I find them very easy to talk to. They have an air of familiarity about them that seems to put me right at ease.
I felt guilty for feeling the way I did before, I still do. But I know that it will always linger, it will always haunt me. I know ive got to move on and understand that my mind is latching onto the positives where there were actually plenty of negatives as well. That one day, we will connect again. But I will be in a much stronger, better place.
I just need to keep on keeping on and let time do its thing. Keep hoping, keep trying my best and trying to keep a positive attitude.
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