This is likely to be a rather emotionally charged entry, but hopefully of the more positive variety which will be a very welcome change from the recent swear-heavy, self-absorbed and dreary posts of same old, same old.
I've had today off and in addition to the usual chores and catching up with the put-offables, I've been watching a few tv things and stumbled upon a very moving documentary about a young teenager who committed suicide whilst in the grips of bipolar disorder. I realise that's not a typical 'go to' especially when there's so much more that can be watched, but I find it fascinating; making me only more determined to try and get into the field of mental health. I think it's good to try and keep that motivation alive as it has taken a bit of a back seat recently.
It just, really hit me. Not only was it very well put together but it just put it all into perspective. Time just marches on. Time, whatever happens each day, the good or the bad, will be all things relentless yet healing. Awful things happen every single day all over the world but we all just carry on. When I really think about it, it almost become surreal.
It made me think of my own experiences with depression. Not so much personally, I mean I have had a few moments (and documented ones at that,) but I could never truly label it as such. But within my family, friends and of course more recently, Lee. I mean, I've let all that go now but he does still cross my mind. I do hope he's doing ok.
At the time, I was upset that he withdrew himself from me but now I realise it was an absolute blessing. At the time I took it personally that he didn't want to trust me. But now I see that there is no way I would have been able to cope with it. I am grateful for the times we did have and that they were good. It could have been so much worse, and I guess that shows that he did care about me and was possibly protecting me. Well, I will never know but I like to think so.
Sometimes your best just isn't good enough. I accept this now and I'm very okay with it.
It also made me think about the past weekend and how wonderful it has been. After the past couple of weeks being up and down, confused, upset, I took a step in really welcoming Chris into my life and I am happy that I did.
On Saturday we went out for a friends birthday bash, went to a rock club in Camden and got pretty merry before which was lots of fun. I set out with the mentality that I was going to have a great night whatever happened, I wanted to get that happy, goofy, chatty drunk and have a good olde dance. We larked about eating pizza and listening to music before we left and I started to feel that familiar happy, excitable self creep back in. We went to a bar beforehand and funnily enough, the girl he 'nearly had a thing with' was standing alone there, so he went over to say hello. I felt better for seeing her actually because it just me realise that it doesn't actually matter. Of course their exchange was brief and friendly, absolutely fine. But I don't know, I had that moment of clarity where I felt that if he were to suddenly turn around and go off with her or something, then, I would have to just get on with it and have a good night regardless! It's not in my nature to be jealous and, I wasn't. I was expecting to be but I wasn't! We then went off to meet the others, stayed out til the small hours and just had an amazing night. Everything was forgotten from the previous time, we both knew it was just one of those things that happens sometimes. We awoke early the next day, went to his place to pick up the car and we drove to my mums.
Something felt different between us, it was a lovely feeling. It was love. I felt it tingle and I beamed, I was finally allowing it in. He was excited, and we chatted all the way and then arrived. Almost instantly it felt right. It was lovely to be home and have him there to. We all talked and he asked all the right questions, he was really trying and it was just so great to see. I felt so lucky. That he wanted to meet them, he wanted to see them, he drove us there, he wanted to try. It was a new experience and it felt grown up. We ate great food mum prepared, drank coffee and talked about work, music, went for a walk, came home and played articulate. It felt natural and he really opened up. Afterwards we went to dad's and they seemed to really hit it off. IT was like our usual routine, dad showed us he's latest musical purchases, his studio, talked about work and all that sort of thing. It was just lovely. We ate cheese in front of comedy and then we drove back. 'Well your dad's a fucking legend!' he exclaimed when we got in the car, which made me smile. He said only wonderful things about them all and mentioned how he'd felt it 'click' now that he had met them. It was special, it has just been a very special weekend and I am grateful, relieved and already looking forward to the next time.
I feel guilty now as I look back at my previous thoughts, viewing the whole experience as 'taking a risk' but I guess it was in a way. If I could tell any of them had their guard up, it would have been a flag and I would have sensed something wasn't right. But they enjoyed meeting him, said he seemed really nice, so I feel a lot more comforted now. I feel as though the foundations are set for something, that could be really special...
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