Let time do its thing

I guess I've just got to accept that it happened and it was in the past. We broke up, that was that. I knew what I was doing then, and I was doing it for reasons I had spent months weighing up. It still might be too soon to invite him back into my life again as I just don't know how I'll take what happens - if anything happens. I think I'm too malleable right now, I'm not confident enough in my current relationship to be able to branch out into rekindling fond memories. Or indeed, handling the rejection. 
 
It does fill me with some comfort that my brother has offered to help where possible. And when he says 'everything will be just fine' I actually believe him. I'm going to have a think about it certainly. Yesterday I sent him a big email about what had been going through my mind and it felt really good to share, I know he doesn't judge me.
It did get to me though. That evening I went to a gig with Chris, one I had been really looking forward to. It was amazing and I was glad he was there, it's the sort of thing he would have never of gone to if I hadn't introduced him to it, so that felt pretty nice. It made me happy to hear songs played that I listened to such a lot a few years ago, have a bit of a dance, in that moment I felt as though I was in a good place.
But the journey home felt a bit of a trial somehow. He goes through moments of talking about lovely sentimental things and then goes and does something really stupid and it's just like being with a child. It was the first time it had affected the sex too, just, wasn't feeling it and we stopped. It was very awkward but, I didn't feel afraid to talk about it so we said our pieces and turned out the lights. In the middle of the night he woke me up saying 'baby I feel really bad' and some sort of nonsense, I knew it had bothered him in some way. But, I guess it was the first time we'd both spent a good couple of days together and it did feel like a challenge. I suppose there's a lot to be said in that statement right there.
But again, it's early days. We still hold things back, still don't feel 100% open or comfortable so, it makes sense, I understand it. Long sigh. 
Tonight is mine though, I'll walk home, maybe go to the gym and see how I feel. Maybe call mum.