This week I've been trying to get back into the routine I got myself involved with earlier last year. The motivation to do so overpowered me and I just gave it a go. I hope I can keep it up. I've been walking to and from work, eating smaller and healthier lunches and trying to get back into going to the gym. When I went a couple of days ago I surprised myself at how I generally did and felt. For some reason I thought that everyone would have noticed I had been away for so long. But then, of course, that familiar moment of realization hit me that; nobody cares about anything as much as I do about things! Anyway, you want them to notice when you're there lots, not for the times you aren't.
In the end, what does any of it matter anyway?
I realise this kicked in soon after the weekend, when before I set off and had a bit of a low moment. I felt happier when I saw Chris again though. He came over to mine, we caught up on his weekend's stag do antics and we went for some dinner. It was really fun and he's so thoughtful, he brought back little Pacman souvenirs and an owl cushion to accompany the one I have already, it really brought a smile to my face. But when he goes again, a sort of numbness creeps in, I can't describe it, I don't know what it means. Maybe that I still haven't 'let it fall.'
I try and think back to the times before with me and Olive, and Alex too. I didn't feel it with Alex, there was something about him that made me reserved. But with Olive, well he said it on our third date and it was probably a couple of weeks later I returned the phrase. I wasn't sure if it was out of politeness or if I truly meant it. It was passionate, fast, it all happened very quickly. I guess really it happens in a moment if you allow it to. I think I probably let it when I met Lee, the amount I cared about him in such a short space of time. I feel like a fool now, but it can't be denied.
Olive texted the night before last, I replied but soon deleted them all. I'm clearing my phone of texts, pictures, memories of old lovers as if Chris were to ever snoop, which for some reason I think he might, I don't want to explain who came before him and why these things didn't really work out. I just can't delete the photos from the past though...it doesn't mean I still feel the same way I did at those times, but those times still happened. Why pretend that they didn't? Nobody's asking anyway, so it doesn't matter.
O is saying that I'm making his life complicated as he can't forget about me. In a way, I wish the feeling was mutual because it would make my life so much easier, which isn't a very fair thing to say.
Sigh.
Hormonal.
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