You think you have the time

Feeling a little distant and reminiscent, I'm not entirely sure why. It might be my travels back home, it might be tiredness from just everything catching up with me. It always does. 
It was nice to see mum, celebrate mothers day and see my brother too. Maybe that's what it is, of course seeing him fills me with such joy however, he also reminds me of the times when I was happy. I think I'm happy now, but everything's so confusing and I lack direction and motivation. I seem to be getting a reputation within the family of being restless and easily bored, which I don't much like, however true it may be. I thought I was good at hiding it, but it seems that it has been very apparent for a fair amount of time. 
I know it's okay to coast along a little way, but something keeps pushing me forward, it's almost as though I don't want to get settled. But then I hark back fondly on times that I once was. My brother shared how he missed those times too, but I know that really I just have to let it go. There's no way I'll be able to go back to those times, and when I really think about, do I even want to? I wasn't particularly happy back then, I didn't leave it all behind for kicks , there was something missing. 
I'm not sure why home makes me think of him, but it does. And I usually get unwell too, a general heaviness one would think would be relieved at 'home.' I think it's because in London I can be anyone I want to be, whereas when I see the family I'm open and myself, and I guess it's been a while since I last felt that way. I do have that with Chris when I'm with him, but then it's still all new and fresh and I don't want to spoil things at all or bother him, so I'm still controlling a lot of what I do. I know in time that'll soften, as I hope he will with me to. I guess it's natural really, when I think back to when me and Joe first got together it took me a fair while to get over my previously relationship, which was a joke of one! Time really is the best healer.
 
I remember reading a quote that read 'you think you have the time' and sometimes I can hardly believe that I'm 24 and how much that has happened in the past couple of years. How far I've come, how far I've left to go. I keep flitting between the idea or nursing and the idea of creativity, just wish I could have some of guidance. Know which one is the one to choose... 
 
I'll probably walk home this evening and when I get in, maybe I'll make him something. That's what I'm used to doing! Give it to him when I see him on Wednesday....