Truths and cancellations

Last night me and Olive had arranged to  meet up for dinner and a few drinks, but in the end I cancelled again. I cancelled by telling him the truth. It felt good to get it off my chest but at the same time, I felt the bottom of my tummy feel a slight pang of regret. I knew how he'd take it, and how it would open things up again and it did. 
I just knew that seeing him again, we'd have a lovely evening, spend lots of time catching up on things, probably flirt and charm each other a bit which would lead to him wanting to do more and me being put in an awkward position. Knowing me, I could easily just give in to it just to not hurt his feelings or make him feel uncomfortable. Of course, I knew that talking about this and how it wouldn't be right, I was doing the right thing, but it did take some doing somehow. Telling him that it was officially off the table, and although there is an undeniable connection there, it's not one that can be acted upon anymore. 
I realised that there was a bit of me, my more devious side that has taken a backseat at long last. I felt a wave of relief wash over me as I realised that I am still who I was once. I wondered if I would ever be able to break the chain, to stop myself from giving in to these temptations and it seems I have now done that. As daft as an achievement that is, I'm taking it as one all the same. It makes me feel as though I'm willing to really put in everything I have emotionally into my current relationship. 
It Is early days, but I want to do things properly. I mean, how devastated would I be to find out that Chris had done a similar thing? I'd feel awful about it. The risk is too great and to be honest, it wouldn't have done any good in the long run. 
Olive described it as some strange limbo, where he doesn't want to be friends as he'll always want more. I smiled to myself as he said that maybe these feelings would fade away and we'd be able to become normal friends or maybe even get back together. We ended it on 'hope to see you soon' which is fair enough. In a way, I hope we do see each other again.
 
I thought about what we had once, an intense few months, how he had saved me from all sorts of trouble. How lucky I was and still am by his devotion. It would be so easy to go back, it would be an easy life...sigh, who knows what'll happen.