I felt it's probably time for another update, although nothing has really occurred to spur it on, I just felt like it had been a while.
I've been working a lot the past couple of weeks but overall it's been ok, it just hasn't given me much time to think about the stuff I usually do; the worries, the cold feet, the restlessness. Maybe it's for the best. I do miss being full time for that, although I am looking forward to having tomorrow off where I can partake in a bit of creativity. Today if weather allows, I'll try jogging at least half of the way home. If it's doable then it could be something I do every working day, which would not only get me home quicker, but help get me back to where I used to be. I am a bit nervous though, I've not really done it before and I'm a little concerned with all the people and the roads I'll constantly have to stop at to let traffic stop, but ah well! It'll be an experiment. If you don't try then you'll never know!
Last night Chris texted me with an impromptu invitation to see his dad. Although I wasn't at all prepared, I obliged without a second thought. I was curious about him as I have heard bit and pieces but I was intrigued as to how similar they might be and their surroundings. I had a really nice evening, it was so lovely to meet them all. He has such a wonderful family and I've felt so lucky to have met them all. I look forward to when he meets mine, although it'll be rather different.
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I feel overcome by a wave of longing tinged with sadness. Maybe it's the tiredness talking, but I feel my senses tingling and which is conjuring images and feelings of my past. I find myself searching through old photos I was tagged in from years ago, such different times. I look at how I appear, I look so young and as though I've so much ahead of me. Everything was all laid out for me and I really went for it, I look back and wish I could touch that person and tell them to be prepared for change, to be prepared for weaknesses and my mind to challenge me and keep me on my toes constantly. Would I advise myself not to do the things I have done? I don't think so, but maybe I'd give a glimmer of forewarning. Who knows, anyway, pointless as it couldn't possibly happen! Time keeps ticking away and the past is all a part of who I once was and has helped shaped me into myself today. It doesn't feel so shaped though, in some ways I feel like i'm even further away from when those Uni days even started. I think of all the people I have met, how I once used to be so popular and somewhere along the way, well, I really screwed things up didn't I. I sigh, an inward sigh that never seems to lift the loss or confusion. It is all still hazy and when my eyes are met with his, even in photos (And that's all it'll probably ever be now,) all I feel is home. And that makes me feel so sad, I know I left for a reason, but he was my best friend and I fear nobody will know me the way he really knew me. Nobody will love me the way he loved me...
I suppose it just feels as though I'll never get over it all, I will never stop missing him. I wonder if he misses me to, I wonder if he's been thinking of me lots today, only because it just feels tingly against my skin, like these thoughts do sometimes. I like to think so somehow.
I suppose, the thing is, it's not at all realistic to think I will ever have what I once had with him ever again, because I'm not looking for another 'him'. And Chris, although he's very different, he makes me happy and I'm very much looking forward to the future. I hope in time I can trust myself to really fall for someone again, really devote myself to someone and allow them really to come into my life.
While I was in the shower just now, I thought to myself how Chris really doesn't know all that much about me, because he doesn't ask a lot of questions. We're still at that stage of giddyness and excitement when we see each other that we don't actually talk that much, of good, substancial, hearty chat anyway. It's quoting and laughing, that sort of thing. I like that though.
Just, thoughtful. And in this moment, slightly lonely, I don't know why. There's music I want to listen to and films I want to watch, but I don't feel I'm actually strong enough to at this particular moment because they'd just remind me of him.
What I'm doing isn't fair on myself at all. I'm just not allowing myself to move on from it all and I really must.
I live in the hope that one day, we can talk again. Not to get back together, but just to connect like we used to once, because I know it'll still be there. Of course, he may never want to see me again. But, in my bones, I feel that it isn't the end for us. I really don't. It may be that he needs to find someone else to be with so we can, but that's ok.
I hope. I really, deeply do.
If I were to ever get a tattoo, it would be one that was symbolic to me and him of our past, just so I know he would always be with me somehow. Ridiculous I know. I wouldn't tell a soul, but it would be a Charlie Kaufman quote of some kind.
I wouldn't get it, because, well, I'm just in a tired, low, tearful sort of mood when I'll probably read this back in a day or so and think it's all so daft. Just, don't feel very, grounded. I feel like souring...feel like I want to escape my body for a while...
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