Don't want to feel this way forever

 So yesterday I sent off that application. I can't remember a time where I spent so long on one, it really required a lot of effort as they were so detailed about what they were looking for. I feel better for having sent it, like I've made a positive step towards change. However, I can imagine far more experienced people applying and in a much stronger position than me. But, I guess if I don't try, I will never know.
Sigh, 'never know'...it feels like I will actually never know what it is I want to do. Will I always feel this lost? I guess everything is temporary, everything is unpredictable except time, that keeps marching on. I don't want to feel like this forever. But I certainly don't want to feel wasted right where I am now, even though it is such a pleasant environment. It is impossible to find the right balance.
 
I feel a bit down today, but then maybe that's because its a glorious sunny day and I'm stuck inside, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I don't have anything planned for tomorrow, maybe I'll fire off another application and see what happens. I feel at a loose end with Chris, ah this is a feeling I haven't felt for a few years. Because it's an official thing now, the pressure feels as though it's off a little bit. However, I worry that already he's started to get complacent. I can't say anything  because it's so early on. Maybe he's just been busy...sigh. I just feel so needy though in comparison, like I'm just waiting for him all the time. Not too great really, but ah well. I'll just have to see if it continues, I don't want to play any more of these games.
Saturday though I should be seeing him, and he's invited me to meet some of his friends too. I'm looking forward to it, but I feel nervous to. Meeting friends can be incredibly revealing, for them and him to. How he interacts with them, how he interacts with me around them, it's a bit like a first date all over again but with more people involved...