Saturday morning, the windows are running with condensation but the sky is blue and cloudless and I can't believe how different my life suddenly feels. Indeed, it's a little dramatic to say such a thing and it's such early days. But, in all honesty I can say for the first time in a very long time, I'm starting to feel...myself.
A smile stays, and is no longer followed by the sharp sting of fear. My conscious feels clear and I hold my head up in the street as I walk. I still don't know where it is I'm going, but I feel a little more confident in my steps.
Is it him? I'm not sure, but I do know that he's helping to put me back in touch to the place where I belong. For a while I was aware that I should fight it, I didn't want him to lull me in, to then dissapear and leave me empty. But when I look in his eyes he just draws me in and there's something in his mannerisms, his humour, the way he generally carries himself...just makes me feel like I'm home.
After I finished work I saw him standing there and he smiled, smartly dressed commuters crossed my path but soon I moved towards him and met him with a kiss and couldn't stop the grin. He took my hand and we walked up the street which was unknown to both of us, but it didn't matter, we just chatted excitedly about our days as we weaved in and out of the fellow folk wandering up and down looking in the brightly lit windows. We retraced our steps and found a cute resturant tucked away, we had an hour and a half to kill before we were to hit a trendy club and play pingpong. We shared cocktails which soon moved onto wine, we chatted all the while about lots of different things; friends and people we've met and the few we've had to cut out of our lives. We ate lots and continued to drink merrily, befriended the waiter who gave us free dessert if we pretended it was a birthday, and soon he appeared with two plates with a candle stuck in one and the rest of the resturant chiming in. We missed the slot for pingpong long ago, but neither of us minded. We left eventually, went to another pub for another drink before deciding to head back to mine...we both had the Friday off but no plans, so we slept in late. We awoke and decided food should next be on our agenda, drank coffee and talked about our families, some rather deep conversation at times. It wasn't difficult for me to talk to him about these things, I knew there were elements that he understood as he'd also been through some rather difficult times, like all families have.
We then decided we'd go for a walk, and had an impulsive venture to Richmond Park where we walked hand in hand at dusk and in the cold. He made me laugh so much, he paniced about maybe getting lost or locked in if it got too late, we then headed back to mine armed with wine and snacks for films and comedy which we watched until the small hours. I introduced him to Spaced, a comedy series very dear to my heart. A program so dear in fact that I've actually avoided playing it to Alex in the past for fear of having to face the harsh truth of him not actually liking it. Chris loved it, and we watched it all. We followed it with funny youtube clips and soon retired to under the sheets...it really was a simply wonderful couple of days.
This morning I felt a bit sad that he was leaving.
Now, the day is mine and I endeavour to do something creative with it...
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