Why do I bother?

Sigh. 

Tuesday morning on my apparent holiday. I wish I could be more excited about it but, what difference does it make? I don't feel as though I've earnt this time off. 

I'm on my way back to London now, on the early morning train with the collage students talking about their coursework. I've got my headphones in so I can distract myself and not feel those pangs of envy or think back to when i was once their age. Feels like many moons ago now. 

I have spent the passed couple of days at dads which has been really nice. I've not been feeling too well, some sort of cold type thing that wants to hang around. I stayed inside, helped tidy and sort, watch a few films and tried to occupy myself with another site...aw,

I feel like such a sorry state right now, it really is tragic. It's ok to be single. It is absolutely fine being single. It's ok to have a bit of time by myself as a single girl. Why do I put this pressure on myself? There's been a few strong contenders, but I don't know, I just haven't been feeling it so much really. To be honest, that last date I had kinda threw me off a bit and effected my confidence, meeting a guy who actually pulled a 'me' I guess I know what it's like to be on the receiving end now, which has been insightful. 

On one side of things I'm just keeping the same optimistic, chipper outlook on things, each chap being a new slate and all that. The flip side is telling me I'm just wasting my time. Their all either nutters or players. But for some reason I keep on searching. Something keeps me intrigued. Because I guess, nobody knows at the end of the day. Yes,there's a lot of empty conversation that doesn't really go anywhere. But it only takes that one date, that unmistakable first impression that leads to connection, to set everything off on the right path. 

I still message lee, there's still a line of communication there but im not sure why I bother to be honest. When I see him, it feels so real, we feel strong and together. But when we're apart I really do feel as though it's all me making the effort and he seems fairly non committal. Nothing's been said, no promises made, it would be nice though. What can I really expect though? He's only really interested in sex, money and drugs...

I can't wait for the day where I meet someone to take me away from all this bad stuff, all this confusion. It will be wonderful...