Last night I almost couldn't sleep because my stomach was churning, constantly weighing up how things went and why he hadn't messages me. I eventually put my phone into flight mode which allows for it to still be on but disconnected for the signal, it provided a little relief and I was able to sleep afterwards. But that was after the tears and the staring at the ceiling, the praying that this awful stage of my life will be over soon because I just can't seem to hack it anymore.
It's just the disappointment. And once all the words are stripped away, im actually left with nobody at all. That didn't feel good at all. That's what made me feel sick, twist and turn, unable to get warm or cosy. I just felt at such a loss as to what to do with myself,I'd just rather not be there at all.
In this mode I made the mistake of messaging lee as well, to which I'll also probably never get a reply. I knew this going in to aid the regret, God help me. I mean, this is just all terrible. This was not how this year was meant to start.
Maybe this is actually. Maybe fate wanted me to start off this year alone. ..I just don't know what to think or believe anymore.
I guess I need to be thankful that me and James met quickly, so we could both get a handle on our feelings sooner, because in all honesty, there wasn't much build up to it at all. And did you really feel a connection there? Not particularly. I just really wanted to. He had a lovely friendly face, he was well educated and had plenty to talk about which was really nice. I did have a nice evening all in all. But I thought he'd be a grower if given the chance...
Of course not every guy is going to fall for me, I had no idea about his situation, maybe he very recently broke up with someone, maybe I reminded him too much of someone he knew, just, not his type maybe.
So many maybes.
Back to the drawing board I guess...
*
On the train back to dad, like usual. I do feel happy to be going somewhere, not cooped up in the house with all these depressing thoughts circling my mind. I just need to...leave it. Just leave it the hell alone. Leave Lee, he doesn't give a shit, or if he does, not enough. He only ends up upsetting you.
Drew is a complicated, messed up, headcase and I need to be rid of him entirely. I'm cutting off all communication there.
Alex is lovely but there's just something missing there and ive known him a while now for it, whatever it is, to appear and it hasn't. No point stringing it along.
Dan is fun, but only for sex inspired chat otherwise he is boring. It doesn't make me feel all that great.
really, I need a clean slate and to start again fully but im scared I'll be alone forever...
No comments:
Post a Comment