It was lovely having a bit of a catch up with my brother last night on the phone, he seemed to detect a happier tone in my voice and I actually feel as though that may be the case. It has also been nice to be home and be around my dad who just helps me feel generally better about things. I feel safe, and able to be open about whatever's on my mind, and I don't really have many places like that I can safely call 'home.'
I've been thinking a lot about how eventful the start of this year already seems. I mean, on paper, not much has really changed, but I feel like things have a fair bit in my emotions. I have met a lot of different people, people who I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to in usual situations and I've learnt how to deal with these different personalities. It helps me get a better idea of my own personality actually, and what it is I'm really looking for and what it is I'm trying to get my head around. I feel positive about how things are going to pan put in the future, and I'm trying to make more of a point to trust my thoughts and ideas a little more, by saying 'going' instead of putting 'should' on the front of it. I know I've got to keep my feet on the ground and my expectations realistic. But you only have the now, and you've no idea what might be waiting ahead.
I do flit from moments of feeling opportunistic to then feeling very defeated and daunted, but my main focus right now is trying to get my life back on track with a bit of structure, and I do feel as though it's safe to say that I'm looking for a guy to help me in that process. Considering the situation, I'm doing all I can to put myself out there and to really make the effort I guess.
Last night I was a little shaken up by that message, by the content and by the fact I kinda knew it all along. But for some reason, I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to assume it was the worst, maybe it was someone new on the scene, or his ex, or just got fed up and wanted out. I was expecting the words to read 'can't do it anymore,' and that would be the end of it. The final line I've been searching for. But it wasn't! It was just him being honest with me, keeping me in the picture, wanting to thank me and apologise, I mean...what more can one really ask for.
Only earlier in the day and the week actually I felt confident in telling both my parents that I wasn't going to take things further with him as it never properly got off the ground. That even though we'd not established anything properly, I was feeling more worried, on edge and nervous about things than I was happy. It was basically in all the bits inbetween where we just don't have much contact, my mind wirs and assumes things and I start to panic. Maybe I wanted to read those words 'this is the end' so I could absolutely move on, but if anything it has made those links tighten and I want to be there for him more than ever to help support him. I was trying to explain this to my dad but I could see the expression on his face, I can tell he thinks it's not a good move - "This is how it'll be, you're not dealing with someone who's unwell, you're dealing with someone who's mentality unstable." The words rang true but of course he's not holding it against him, "I really feel for the guy," he added, but I can tell he's just concerned about me. Because, I care such a lot. About everything in life but moreso when it comes to relationships or, whatever the heck we are. And it won't be an easy ride. It will be complex, up and down, I will be shut out of things a lot, I will be kept in the dark, it will be emotionally draining for me also - as it has been already at times! But, the largest part of my heart is telling me that...he's worth it. But I can hardly believe it myself. I do feel as though I deserve better, but, although he may have all these troubles, at least he told me. He had the perfect moment to call things a day and get out, but he didn't. So I thought, why not continue to be as supportive as I have and see how things are when he comes out the other side, because he will. I know that he needs things to be constant, he needs a friend to be there even if they don't know what to say. So, I'm not holding out for anything with him right now but I hope I don't lose him altogether.
I feel a little guilty in a few ways that I'm even talking to other guys while he's unwell. But still, nothing has been said, he did say outright that he's not to be relied upon right now, so it would be foolish of me to think that there's a future with us. This all reminds me of how things were with me and Ben, I was hooked on him but knew he was bad for me. I needed to find someone else to take me away from it all and remind me that good people, good relationships do exist. I did eventually and it turned out to be a very good decision made.
So, this week I've a couple of dates lined up with two rather different chaps I've been talking to a fair bit. One's tomorrow evening at a comedy bar I believe and i'm looking forward to it. He's a financial analyst and tutors maths in his free time, so, we're incredibly different. But he's apparently venturing into stand up comedy so, I'm sure we'll have plenty to talk about and it'll be nice to meet someone new.
I'll then be back at work for a couple of days but on Friday I'm meeting Chris, and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm really looking forward to finally meeting him. We've been exchanging some brilliant messages and I've just a hunch we'll hit it off well but I know I mustn't start thinking that! What if he sees me and is disappointed...ah well, it works both ways. But, I know that he's really looking for something, so, we'll just have to see I guess. We exchanged numbers and have moved things over to texting so, I'm trying to keep a safe amount of distance between each text! Am just worried it'll be like that James character, realises I'm nice and am not the sort to meet, shag, and not talk to again (although, well...) but he has knocked my confidence, still. But somehow I feel this particular site holds a little bit more promise. We shall see though.
It sounds a little out there, but there's a bit of me that's curious about the other side. I've experimented in loads of ways when it comes to sex but never the female form...really, I know I'm straight but there's a bit of me that would just love to give it a try and have a bit of fun. But then, I don't think that's a fair attitude to go into if there are actually girls looking for real relationships, that would be horrible of me. I guess if I were honest about it all, what could the harm be? Ahh but surely it's adding even more flies into my ointment, what if I meet someone amazing, have a great time and then i'll have that on my mind too! Ah, I don't think so really. Just, tempting I guess.
Oh well, lots to think about. I need to sort out my CV and get applying to new jobs too...then there will be no stopping me! haha.
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