At dads again, seems to be my usual Sunday routine. It's nice, it allows for the week to catch up with me a bit and ultimately, it is home. I haven't really been feeling so well today, it was difficult for me to get up in the morning, under my skin I feel tender and my head feels a little scruffy on the inside. I am hoping it will all pass in time.
Its all such early days but messaging him feels so normal, I just can't wait to see him again. I am nervous that it will all dissolve like it has once before, but I guess if you don't go ahead and try then you'll never know. If I everything was meticulously planned and ordered, analysed, it wouldn't really be 'me' and dating is enough of an effort as it is! It's fun, but when you hit a little gem like him that's when it feels like the pressure really sets in. 'No screw ups, be honest but not too honest, be kind but not a pushover, seem keen but cool enough to make them chase you a little...' I realise that I'm not cold or cool enough to be 'chased' I know guys are meant to like this but I'm afraid I don't understand it. I guess it's for fear that when they do 'catch' me it'll be a bucket of ice over them and they'll be off after the next girl that catches their eye. It's a tough old game. Why is it even a game!?
Talking to my dad about it all is interesting, he's rather bewildered by it all to a degree, he was explaining how back in his day, the house didn't even have a phone. These days it's too easy to get in contact with someone, find out everything, meet up, arrange things. I mean, it's a good thing but there is an element of romance taken out of it. Different generations I suppose.
I am hopeful that we will meet in the week,maybe catch a film somewhere, we could watch paint dry for all I care.
I have however, cut all ties with the others who were in the background, which has felt really good. I like having one focus, even if it doe mean that I'm putting more of myself out there to get rejected and hurt. Its fairer this way, I don't want to start off something potentially amazing on the wrong foot, I've learnt from my mistakes and I don't want to be that young, immature, confused girl I once was. I want to be the girl I used to love.
On the cramped train I wrote a letter to my best friend, just filling her in on everything. Of course it occurred to me that it was a similar letter of content to ones in the past, where I had met olive, Alex, Dan, lee...it felt a little embarrassing even though I know she doesn't see it in that way. But it occurred to me that I do feel a lot more with it and together now that I've had a bit of closure with lee, he was the one who really got under my skin. He caused me a lot of worry and upset before things had even taken off properly, of course it's a good thing to call things a day. I mean, I say that, although no calling a day has actually happened. It was just that last message he sent last week, I do expect to hear from him in a couple of days on a buzzing high to arrange a night of cigarettes and rough sex but I look forward to telling him politely that I cant. I already feel excited about it! Because I think he'll be truly surprised. Or, maybe that message won't even come, who knows. But either way, I feel in a much better place but I hope he does get well soon. Maybe we can be friends in the end, who knows.
Indeed, everything could all go sour and back to square one again, I'll be back to the sorry sap I once was, but I'm just going to try and enjoy things as they come along...
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