Holding onto yourself as best you can

Ah, the hormones are surely still racing around my system, affecting my judgement, making me doubtful. Of everything, everyone, feel as though I'm at a dead end once again. I never would have thought I'd ever felt so churned up and nervous, but I can't help but feel as though I'll never find the right person for me. I had the chance, maybe I had that person, but I messed it up and now that's the past. It sounds daft I know, but I don't want to spend the next seventy years of my life alone...it just feels so far away and I can't understand it. I don't know what I can do to stop myself from getting hurt.

Okay, so nothing's happened, it's just been an 'x' less on the end of messages, and he was drunk last night. But already we're at that stage where I'm starting to analyse the messages and when something like that changes it feels as though it's a big deal. It's not, I'm pretty confident on this, he sent 5 once all in a row...but i really am terrified he'll just fizzle out like all the others. He's had his good time with me and he's already bored and wants someone new. I don't know, it's a harsh assumption. I don't know, lee really messed me up, really destroyed my confidence. I put in 110% into absolutely everything and know there's nothing I can do better, so if it is the case they disappear it's not really my fault per say, but I just can't help feeling that it is. All of a sudden, I want to cry. I am fearful because already it feels so normal, we are natural together and it feels so right. But I need to remind myself that we don't know each other all that well, we've only have two dates, however intense, on paper we're just seeing each other and this stage shouldn't be rushed. I need to be breezy and cool about it, forget it all. But somehow I can't and I feel as though everything is falling apart...no, that I'm the one falling apart and I'm desperately trying to grab onto anyone who shows me the slight glimmer of helping me...I just, want someone who wants the same things as me. Someone who needs me like I need them, I don't know. Feel lost and confused but then I always feel a little tinge of this after a good time with the person in particular. I just, don't want to go through the whole meeting someone again, I don't want to lose Chris but somehow I'm scared to get close to him. I'm scared to put myself out there, for fear of looking a complete idiot. I mean, I am one. A huge one...what am I going to do? How am I going to gain the confidence to get through this?