Break my China head

It's just difficult to know for sure. Two kisses here, three the next, clearly, I'm just looking into it too much. I wish I wouldn't though, I irritate myself. I wish I could be like one of these cool girls who can just shake all that off, just glide around the place with this bubble of suave protection, untouchable. But, it's me we're talking about here. The clumsy fool who stumbles upon her words, over complicates for the mere sake of it, manages to get herself all confused when really the reality is pretty straight forward. 

This is my life.
 
But, it's ok because it's such early days, what do I really expect? He's not going to lay it all out there so soon into the proceedings. There's still a lot we both don't know about each other, and that's something to think about. I was all crazy about Lee about two or three dates in, but then the reality set in that I had bitten off far more than I could chew and he had the potential to do me a lot of damage. In a few ways, he did. But I managed to get out to the otherside marginally unscathed. It does feel as though a little dent has been left though, it will take a while to buff out. Nothing for three weeks, I guess that's the end of all of that. Amazing really, when you come to think of it. Proves how malleable I really am though, which is pretty dangerous. 
 
Last night I met up with Iain, a chap I've seen once in the past where we went to a stand up evening together. It was nice to see him again actually, he's a great guy. We get on really well and he finds me amusing which is always flattering! I just, don't want to be adding anymore cooks to the broth though, I need to focus as best I can. I want it to be Chris, I really do. I'm hanging in the balance, the way these things usually go, I believe we're meeting tomorrow eve but I'm waiting to hear about the arrangements, if any. Maybe I'll call him tonight...
There is something about Iain that feels familiar, I'm not quite sure what it is exactly, I think he reminds me of Dan a bit. He's tall, handsome, smartly dressed, works in finance, and a little cheeky. I like that we can talk lots about comedy eventhough he's not seen much of it, and he has a presence that puts me at ease and I feel able to be myself around him. As we walked to the station and parted ways we shared a kiss and it was actually really rather nice, it caught me a bit by surprise. But I felt bad too, because really, it wasn't what I should have done at that time. I should have just gave him and hug and part ways without making any arrangements or anything and give me a bit of time to reflect and think about things. But then, everything is open ended, as usual nothing's been said so it wasn't dishonest although I guess it was to myself. Wanting to have something exclusive n' all, not really the best way to go about it.
But it was nice and I did have a fun evening, so, we'll just have to see how things pan out I suppose. Who knows...I just wish I knew. And I wish I would stop wishing this 'bit' away and try and enjoy myself, enjoy the times we are together and apart...