A new outlook

Well, in comparison to the entry I wrote a couple of days ago, I am feeling much better and a lot more 'myself' although I have kinda forgotten what it was like. I decided to try and make a change because I couldn't go on living that way day to day, even if it was a couple of days. A minor event ended up knocking my confidence and I started questioning what they hell I was contributing to the world...it was ridiculous.
But I deleted that stupid site at long last. It felt great to get it out of my mind, it was the final closure to all the startups that failed and the final goodbyes to the confused, manic and darn right strange.
I then joined another one haha. But something felt different about it and already I've had contact with some very interesting and promising individuals, and I am once again occupied and full of hope. I am going to the gym again, trying to eat much better, just taking better care of myself. I've also not messaged Lee once, and although he may be unaware of my changing, I feel as though at long last I have a bit of control in the situation.
I also told Alex that I couldn't go and visit him for the weekend in York, because it didn't feel right meeting his family, because I didn't feel as though were 'in that place' - I went on to say how we didn't talk about how we felt, how his future seemed clear and how really I need someone closer to me physically as well as emotionally. I didn't want to make him upset, but I knew I was leading him on by saying yes to this impulsive, expensive journey just to make him feel good when really, I didn't want to. I knew it was going to do more harm than good, I've been talking to guys with the intent of meeting, perhaps building upon something, it's not fair of me to give him the impression that all is fine and we're still as we always are. It's also a bit daft of him to assume this though, after not coming here at all, not asking me any questions, just dropping in and out of things when it seemed to best suit him. So, hopefully it can naturally come to an end, I don't want to talk to him on the phone because I'll feel guilty and eventually cave in. I felt awful but I knew it had to be done...just, a bit too late really.

So, I believe I'm meeting up with a chap called Ben tomorrow, who i'm rather intruiged by. I'm not expecting anything to be honest, as I think he may be a bit of a 'lad,' I'm not sure we share a lot in common when it comes to music, film, gigs, all that sort of thing. But I'm sure we'll be able to chat a lot through the evening and hopefully have a nice time. I'm just trying to keep realistic expectations.
Because ultimately with all these people, I'm sure I'm not the only one.
There's another chap called Scott who's a drummer, we've a bit more in common music wise and he seems to enjoy messaging me. I think we'll meet next week some time.
But finally, there's Chris. He sent me the first message yesterday morning and we've been engaged in fantastic, witty, excitable conversation since in lengthy messages. - Music, playlists, series, observations...there's something really special about him and I really want to meet him. He's super cute, he seems as enthusiastic as me about lots of things and I just have a feeling we'll hit it off well. Of course, it could all go like the other evening, but I don't know. It just feels...different. Already! I wonder how many times I've said that before. But then even with Lee I got that vibe, and I wouldn't say I was wrong exactly. It just didn't pan out the way I would have wanted it to. I just mustn't get too excited! But, I am! when I see his name in my lil inbox I get so excited and a big grin spreads across my face...ah dear. So, we'll see.
I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in, I'm not going to settle for anything because it seems straight forward or easy. I'm going to fight for what I think I deserve. And that's someone loving, funny and kind.

We'll just have to wait and see...