With your face drawn twice

 So, Tuesday is here and this evening I’m seeing Lee. I’m starting to feel a little excited after he texted saying that he couldn’t wait to see me, I just couldn’t hide the smile. A sort of smile that hasn’t been felt in a fair few days, yesterday really felt like a weight on me. With an early morning start and work on the agenda I’m starting to feel a little bit more normal. There’s a bit of me that wonders whether I’m trying to hold the feelings back. Or, it could be that I’ve so many feelings flying around it’s difficult to land on just one, for one person. Talking about it all to my dad made me feel terribly guilty indeed, I’m not happy nor am I proud of my current situation. Just say the word Lee, and I’ll drop everything.

 

The way I’m feeling now feels a little similar to that of the time when I was 18 and in that terrible relationship with Ben. I knew he was no good and yet my mind was just obsessed with him, I just couldn’t shut it all out. It took meeting Joe to take me away from it all and completely forget. I moved on the moment I saw him. I just knew it. I feel it a little bit with Lee, I really do, it’s just he’s so cool and busy all the time, it makes me feel a bit lame. I’m just not sure where I stand with him. Am I one of many, or does he feel something more? 

I think I’ll get an idea this evening. He said he’s going to cook me something, so I’m looking forward to that. I’ll bring a bottle and maybe some dessert, see how it all goes. I feel like I need to make up my mind this evening, because I’m not sure how much more of this hanging in the balance malarkey I can really take, and I think he must know that. I need to have an idea by the new year so then I know how to push forward. I don’t want 2015 to be a repeat of this year. Absolutely not.

I'm just lonely, I guess that's what it is. There's nothing wrong with that really, but why do I think there is? I guess it's just the way I'm feeling. I wonder what this evening will bring. At least I don't have to worry about providing the entertainment, I know that we'll surely have plenty to talk about. I am armed with wine and looking forward to being in his company. I don't think I want to say anything I'll regret, I think I'm just going to ride this out the way I rode into it; let him make the movements. It takes two to make a relationship work, and I know he understands this too. Maybe I'll wait and see how it all feels, do I feel as though we're getting closer? Do we still have fun, is there still plenty to talk about? Do we both acknowledge each other's faults but are willing to take them on? I know we're the same in some respects but very different in others, I can't say that I smoke every day and weed every night. But then, he wants to change. And I was with Luke for a year or so, he used to do it a lot, it didn't really bother me to be honest and it still doesn't. It's just the paranoia that comes with it, when there's none left in the stash, what happens next? 

I do wonder how he'd be if I just never contacted him again. Would he be sad at all? Would he even be bothered? How long would it be until he even realised? I just know that, he must like me a lil not to have seen me the amount that he has. But he's got a busy next year, he probably doesn't want the 'headache' of a relationship going in to all the upcoming change. The best way I can try and make him think otherwise is to do everything I can not to be a headache. To be supportive, breezy, flexible, and let him see for himself. Because you know it, once they take a bite, they're hooked. He just doesn't know it yet...