Seeing his cheeky smile in the distance as he walked to meet me in the dark and the cold made me feel giddy and I actually felt a little overwhelmed. Really, I should have been at home in bed. I should have been sleeping, allowing everything to catch up with me, but I just couldn't resist seeing him.
I was trying so hard to weigh it up in my mind as I waited in the artificial light, how much of a firm grip this guy has over my emotions, my actions, how I really would do anything for him; but why? How did things end up this way? I was contemplating it, trying to figure it all out but I didn't really come to any proper realisation, only that I was clearly an idiot who just wanted to laugh and share good times with someone special. And he is, and we do.
I know it's the unlabelled aspect of the whole situation that is making me feel uneasy, that last comment from that post I typed up a couple of weeks ago when I was in a low patch has kinda lasted with me and I wish it wouldn't; 'if he liked you enough, he would have asked you by now' but then, that's not considering the context of our situation; Lee's own issues, our work schedules and the like. But then surely, if he didn't like me, he wouldn't want to meet. He's had so many opportunities to call it a day if he wants, or could easily allow himself to just fizzle out. He knows I'm nice enough and would accept it, so, I guess that's something. I just know that this pleasant 'morning after' feeling won't last very long, because it's never long before the anxiety kicks in and I start to turn things over in my mind.
But when he took my hand and removed his headphones, it all disappeared. We laughed that our meeting point was by no means half way, and our breaths were short in the bitter cold. He chatted excitedly about his holiday to New York that's taking place in March, and how he and his housemates were trying to find flats that would accommodate them in the area they all wanted to be in. I felt excited for him, a lil envious too as I'd love to go there, and I hope to one day, maybe even next year, who knows. He seemed concerned about it and it appears it's causing a little bit of tension between them all but he seems confident it'll all pan out ok in the end, I'm sure it will.
We bought a pizza and some wine and went back to his and cracked it open. We talked about our Christmasses, a bit about work too. He told me he was on some medication now that he was thankful for, but he was aware it changed his personality a bit. I couldn't notice anything different, but I liked how easy it was for him to share it all with me. I asked questions about it all and we talked about anxiety in general, our general fears and all that sort of this. As usual, it was easy, straightforward and it just flowed as well as it always does.
We then went on to talk about New Years, where he told me he was in the process of selling his rave ticket to spend it in with his ex.
I'm going to be honest, my stomach did pang a little bit. Why do you want to see in the New Year with a girl who drives you mad? Do you still love her? What am I even doing here? All these thoughts were racing through my mind but I was careful not to show it, not even a glimmer. I just allowed him to let it all spill from his mouth so he could hear how daft it all sounded and attempt to justify it all. Of course, his reasoning was fair and I am in no place to comment. If I had the opportunity to see Joe on this occasion, I probably would. This doesn't mean anything would happen though, it doesn't mean how it might look on the surface. He said that last time they met up it was nice, but a lil awkward at times. They did talk about the past and things which said made it all a bit weird (well, yeah of course it would!) but he felt bad that she didn't have any plans and was pretty bummed out about it all. He then followed it up by calling it 'charity work.' I do believe him, I think if he had intentions of getting back with her he wouldn't have told me any of it at all. He didn't need to be that honest, and I guess afterwards I was grateful that he did. It turns out however that she cancelled on him in the middle of the night, which he was pissed off about as he wasn't sure the ticket was still available. To be fair, I probably would have been annoyed too.
I just carried on being unphased and just very reasonable about it all. He realised he had talked about her a lot but he was conscious it sounded bad and he didn't mean it that way...still, I guess I wasn't over the moon she was still playing a bit of a part. He did say he mentioned me at one point and she kinda freaked out, this suggests that one; she probably still has feelings for him and two; he must be fully aware of this and is either using it to inflate his ego, or ride it out and see if his feelings return? A bit harsh, but, come on.
Anyway, we don't dwell. We eat pizza, share a couple of rollies which make me feel light headed and calm. He talks again of our first date and how it was one of his favourite nights in London. We go on to talk about how synced up our years have been, the places we want to travel to, financial stuff, just basically covering all sort of topics. He pulls me close and we passionately kiss, the rest just fades under the covers. I wanted very much to make the whole experience about him as I couldn't do anything, which was probably a good thing. I know he enjoys it, and I'm good at it! So, I really put in the effort. I used it as a moment to transfer all those pent up comments and questions I had wanted to ask into actions of passion, just really allowed myself to get really involved with it, moreso than ever before and it was instantly realised. It was basically my way of saying 'fuck you, I'm going to make you feel the most sensational orgasm and it will stay with you, whatever the new year brings.' It was satisfying.
He put on a lovely sleepy playlist, we talk about music, gigs, suggest going to a couple, and soon fall asleep. He left for work early this morning but we cuddled for a while beforehand, which I just love. It makes it all seem real, even if it isn't really.
I stayed in his bed an extra half hour but then had to leave myself. I quickly got ready, tidied up his room a bit and left his Christmas card on his desk. I didn't even think about it, but now I know at some point he'll open it. During different points of the night I wondered whether I should even bother, this ex talk, the holidays, just, didn't make me feel as though he's really in the same place I want to be. But then this morning I thought, why not? You said you would, you made it for him, if he doesn't like it, fuck it. But I hope he will. I didn't want him to read it in front of me, because it could embarrass him or he might try and make me feel, I dunno really, a bit uncomfortable perhaps. But everyone likes to hear that someone will always be there for them, and although I wasn't saying things bluntly, it is my gesture to say I care, and I'm aware of all your lil problems and plans, and I'm ok with that.
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