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Time of the month. 

It is likely this will be an emotional entry. 

So, it's Monday evening and im on my way back to normal life in London. I don't know how I feel about this really. There have been points where I've been kinda looking forward to it as ive been very aware of how different me and Alex can be. But now, I feel I'll miss him a lot and I don't really want to go. He has these moments of just filling the silence with noises or obvious comments about being cold or warm, moans about feeling ill or eating too much food (I really hate that, makes me feel guilty about eating lots and I already do, don't need to be reminded thank you very much) but, in a way it's endearing. I guess he's aware that it's quiet and he doesn't want to appear boring. I do it sometimes when things are silent and I want to make it less awkward, but not in the same way really. I don't do it with him anyway. Yeah, it's annoying but there could be worse things. 

I love it though, when we're able to have really good chats. Deep, meaningful, personal. Not just about silly stuff, that kinda wears away after a while. I want to know more about him, his life, his troubles and his triumphs. But then again, sometimes people don't like talking about these things. Or talking full stop. 

There were moments where I missed joe a lot. I wondered if maybe he missed me at the same time, I hope so. I don't know why, it's been ages since I've spoken to him. I know it's for the best. Just, miss laughing like we did. I felt emotional. Alex doesn't ask me things really. I'm sure he's curious but he just doesn't. He won't even give me a high five because he thinks it's too brutal. 

Times we're intermate are good though, very good actually. It's been a nice long weekend all in all. I went to the work Christmas do on the Friday evening and met him at the station. He came and met me in a suit as he knew I would be wearing a nice dress, so thoughful and cute. We went for dinner the following night, watched comedy and ate bread and biscuits. It was all cosy and nice. I'm not sure what we'll do when he comes to mine, he said he would but I do wonder. 

I texted lee yesterday eve; 

'Hello :) I do hope all is well with you and work is settling down a bit. I was wondering if at some point next week I could get those rings I left at yours? Or meet you somewhere with them, whichever is easiest! xx'

And got the reply;

'Hey! I totally forgot i had those. I'm so sorry! Yeah, definitely. I've just got home from work. Had to stop by after visiting my grandad and got dragged in to doing work. Yeah, i have to work late tomorrow at this marketing thing in liverpool street and an event on tuesday, but i should be free after that! Sorry i can't do sooner and sorry i've been so quiet :( hope you've been okay! xx '

It was nice how much he apologised, but I just really want to know whether I can rule a line under it all or not. It's deflating because, nothing happened! It was all good all the time! Just time and work I guess. It would be nice to see him and just see how it is, like 'normal' or if he's distant, I guess that'll be the best way to judge it. And I will. I suggested Wednesday and Thursday because that's when I'm free in the evenings, but I'm not holding my breath at all. We'll see. I guess this is what usually happens with all the girls he's seen in the past, I did wonder and now I know. Ah well. we did have fun. 

Still neither me or Alex brought anything up from the previous couple of weeks, maybe it's for the best. I just don't know. 

Tomorrow I'm meeting another chap for a date. Another comedian, an American from New York. I don't know why but I replied to his lil opening message about quoting, I liked what he was asking me and how forward he was in wanting to meet. I thought 'why not' it'll be nice to go out and have someone to talk to, maybe we'll hit it off. And if we don't, it's another evening to keep me busy and out of trouble. I wonder what I should wear. He's a bit older than me, and I know he's witty and I'm sure we'll share lots of nice conversation. Let's just see. 

Inside, I know I probably shouldn't because, well I'm with Alex eventhough nothing has been said at all. But because he's not had the balls to, and what with his weird food stuff, I don't know where it leaves me. He doesn't make any decisions, he doesn't really seem to like comedy much, but he does seem like he'll try for me. Sigh. You can't have everything and it's daft setting the bar so high. Maybe I should write him a letter with all these questions and see what he says. 

He did seem genuinely sad that I was leaving, he said he'd miss me lots, which is so sweet. I mean, all I really want is for someone to miss me. 

He is smart with his money, he seems to have a plan for the future, I could imagine him being a good husband and a great father...I am starting to consider these things these days... I really do want to settle and I really want to find the guy who wants to settle too.

But why the urgency? 

I don't really know. Just fed up of this single lifestyle, I don't think it's really for me, and I don't want it to be either. 

There are beautiful people everywhere. Why am I putting the pressure on myself? Surely, it will just fall into place at the right time? I do hope it will. I do want to get married and have children and I hope that fate will help that right gentleman to come along at the right time. Maybe ive already met him...