sweet constantness

Well, it looks to be a very quiet day today at work. All the shops are selling, they don’t need any new stock, it would be too late to order anyway.
Actually, London has felt remarkably quiet and it’s very pleasant, if not a bit odd. There are gaps in coffee shops, seats on the tube, people’s general sharp lines and monochrome dress sense appeared softened this morning. I can hear the traffic in the distance, instead of right outside the window. There aren’t many shoppers either, which is a surprise but then it probably shouldn’t be especially in this neck of the woods. Smart and savy or probably clickers online. Who knows. I do know that I’m starting to feel pretty excited, although I am technically single this very festive time of year for the first time in perhaps 8 or 9 years, I will be sure to focus on family and trying to be the life and soul. Eat, drink and be merry!

So, one hour has already been and the phone hasn’t rung once, which means when it does eventually, I’ll despise anyone who is on the other end of the line! It has given me the chance to think about things even more, which I’m not sure is a good thing really. Supposedly I’m meeting Lee later on although it hasn’t really been confirmed. There’s a bit of me that wonders if he might pull out, I do hope not but we’ll have to wait and see. It’s just this pit of worry, right at the bottom of my stomach, just constant dull ache. I have always had this though, like with the nerves before school or work. Always when there’s a crush on the agenda, that’s it, completely in knots. I wish I didn’t care as much. I feel as though it’s just always on my mind. I need distractions, but then it’s the bad kinds, food, drink, sleep. I should do more creative things.
Just in case I am to meet Lee later, I’ve brought my laptop, a dvd and the card I made him. I was very close to not bother with it at all, perhaps save myself the embarrassment but I thought, well, I have nothing to lose by giving it to him. In the end, I wrote a simple message, just saying how I’d really enjoyed the time we’d spent together the past couple of months, how he makes me feel like ‘myself’ and how I knew 2015 was looking to be an eventful year for him, and how excited I was for him. I also added that’d be there for him, whatever life threw his way to help support as best as I could. It really could have potential to backfire, but I hope he takes it in the way that it’s intended. Just sweet, constantness. Hopefully the calm he craves at time of busyness and chaos. I hope.
I am fully aware that if it goes down well, it is the foundation block to maybe starting something ‘real’ which is going against my parents advise. But I do think I’m ready for it. Well, maybe I’m not, but I’m ready to give it a proper go anyway. The thing is, he might find that he’s not ready and I need to be prepared for this. The last thing I want to do is make him feel pressured. I also can’t use his condition as an excuse to let him walk all over me, and treat me like an idiot. So far, there has been a bit of that. But then again, I let everyone get away with that. Maybe I should have a bit more self respect. That should be a new years resolution for sure.

I know I need to ask a bit more questions, to hopefully get an idea of where he is at the moment. I hope he’s on medication. I am a bit more clued up now about what to expect and the more I read, the more it all adds up and fits him perfectly. I understand that there is no textbook formula, no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to this, everyone is differently. And I know that I’ve only seen him in one state. When I spoke to mum about it, she reminded me of the times Joe used to get himself stuck in a rut and he was impossible to talk around. It didn’t make me feel very good, it was frustrating and trialing. It eventually wore me away, made me want to care for him but in a motherly sense, which eventually led to my reasoning for ending things. If the opportunity came along for us to maybe become more exclusive, would the same thing happen? I guess right now I feel confident that it wouldn’t, because the intimate moments when he’s in a good mood are just so mindblowing and on another scale to what me and Joe had. Maybe there will be times when he doesn’t want to. What if he shuts down completely, what if he ignores me, what if he becomes angry? I just don’t know any of these answers and probably won’t until he’s right there in front of me.
He needs someone who is stable, and a good influence. I do think I am both of those things, or I can certainly project those aspects onto him in some way. But then, who am I to say what he really needs? Does he even know? Maybe not. Sigh. So many variables.

I do hope I see him later. I hope we meet and we fall into our usual routine and chat lots and enjoy each others company. I don’t want things to become too intense, especially before Christmas. Even if he says he cant and changes his mind, I will try my hardest to see him to at least drop off his card. It’s just what I’ve always done, it would be a shame to waste the effort. And if he takes it badly, reacts weirdly about it, then I know it’s not meant to be…
Then the next morning I’ll be meeting my brother and we’ll be heading home for the festivities to begin!