Thanks, mum.
Yes, these past couple of days have given me a bit of space to get a bit of perspective and I'm starting to realise what this could all entail. It really is a tough, awkward spot. I shouldn't have told my mum, that much is probably certain. I don't know what made me spill it really, especially in her line of work, dealing with situations like this at their worst, I can see her concern. I don't know why I believe in him so much, when really, he hasn't given me very much at all but he's honesty.
Talking to dad about it and seeing the look on his face as it dropped, it's been the first time I've seen that expression for a long time. I don't care for it.
I was very aware as I tentatively cut and compiled a collage with Star Wars characters that I was making a statement, but had I really thought it through? It feels natural for me to make people dear to my heart things from my imagination, it's all I have to give the world really. It was a no brainier really, I knew I wanted to make him something. But by doing this, I'm giving him the nod. The 'yes' I am yours, I will take you on with all your flaws and faults. The thing is, I think I'm strong and I know I am, but so far it hasn't really been all that easy which isn't really the best way to start things. Really, I need to feel a bit of confidence in him, I need to trust him. I know true as heck he trusts me, so, he probably feels he has it easy. He certainly will when I give him some dorky Christmas card. I don't think I should ladle it with sentiment, it would be too much and perhaps something he could draw back on in future if things don't really pan out. Who knows. Have I already made my decision?
I've spent this afternoon doing a bit of reading, a bit of question asking as I don't want to go into this blind. The frustrating thing about the whole illness is that it's not curable, it's a part of who he is and really, there's a bit of me that thinks I can help him when really all I can do is support him. I think it's a bit naive of me to assume that I can handle it, because so far I haven't been doing a very good job.
'No, he's going to have to do better than that thank you, my daughter deserves better'
It made me smile to hear, although she did go on to say how it's a shame me and joe can't work things out and how she wishes we were back together. It did sting a bit, especially due to the fact this time last year we were together and happy.
It reminded me that lee has met his ex today and I haven't heard anything from him. It made me realise that this is complex, this is on another level I've not experienced before. This is a stage I should be learning to settle and yet I've never felt so shaken in my entire life. It's been such a hard year, and I want it so much to improve and I feel I have hindsight, I've had unbiased advise and yet my heart is still leaning.
Maybe I should make the assumption and break right now. I should move forward and reach out for what I really deserve. I do feel he's worth it, I know it would be a trial at times but what relationship isn't? He's never met anyone like me before, I could be just what he needs. But I need him to realise this, because yes I know he has his troubles, but I always need to be won over to a certain extent. But then, maybe u should gif him the artwork, fill it with words and see what he says. Then just fade away and always leave him wondering what could have been. Because really deep down, I know he knows that right now. But he doesn't know that he's not the only one, I need a lil convincing.
Lots to weigh up, lots to think about.
I think I might write a draft letter, and maybe one to joe too but not actually send it. Maybe I'll send him the artwork instead...let's see what pans out. I'll sleep a bit and see how I feel in the morning...
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