'There's so much still to explore with you.'
'What we both went through earlier in the year means we certainly don't want to go rushing into anything, but what I want next is a relationship'
'I love that I can make you laugh, that's the biggest compliment to me'
'You turn me on like crazy,'
Last night...it was simply wonderful.
I walked up the steps to Vauxhall, music in my ears unaware that he was behind me. I felt a gentle nudge and then he appeared, I gave him a kiss that left lipstick marks on his lips. It looked so cute so I just left them there as we walked to the supermarket hand in hand. He was going to cook for me, bought a few ingredients and we wondered back to his. We talked constantly. He told me he'd decided to give up the cigarettes and the weed as a part of his 'things to do before I'm 30' and before the pressures of the New Years resolutions kicked in. I admired him for taking in this challenge, although I knew it was likely to be just words at this stage. Nicotine once it gets its claws in, is an absolute nightmare to shake off but I do believe he has it in him to give it a damn good shot.
He experienced withdrawal symptoms quickly, he was a little scattered but then he said 'but when I'm with you, I'm not so bad because you're more than enough of a distraction from life itself' which, really made me smile. He cooked me the most amazing risotto, clearly, he really does know what he's doing when it comes to cooking and being in the kitchen. As he stirred the pan we drank wine and talked about work, his housemates, his writing projects. I just find him so fascinating. We drank more wine and in the end we went to his local corner shop where he bought tobacco and went back to his to smoke it. I really enjoy smoking with him so in a selfish sort of way im glad he did get some because there's a lovely thing about sharing a smoke and talking about life. As daft as that sounds! And ignoring the health consequences of course.
He came over to me on his bed and we shared a lovely kiss, that of course led to an evening of intensity and passion, I just wanted it all. I felt that this time there was something a little different, there were feelings there im sure of it, coming from him. I mean it always feels heated, raw and intimate, but there was something else underlying. We clung to each other and I just, never ever wanted to let him go. I just can't deny the attraction I feel for him, I just want to do everything with him, absorb him, take him away from all his troubles.
We laughed at the production of the aftermath, and soon curled up beneath the sheets in his cold house and talked about sex and just how generally it's so good and how it defies the odds because it shouldn't be really. We talked about how there was still so much we wanted to do, our insecurities, and how they disappear when we're with each other.
Earlier in the evening he went on to tell me how on Sunday he's meeting up with his ex, and he couldn't be more sound in his opinion of there being no underlying feelings there or any chance of them getting back together. surprisingly enough though, I wasn't at all jealous. I'm not sure why I do, but I trust him 100%. Because, why did he feel the need to tell me that? I know it wasn't to cause any sort of bad feeling, or me to ask loads of questions and make him feel uncomfortable or anything. He told me because he just wanted to be honest. I encouraged it, I said it was really good that they're in that place to be able to be on good terms. I went on to say that it's a shame not to be, when you invest such a lot of time and emotion into that one person, so suddenly cut them out and never talk to each other again. I know many wouldn't be as supportive but I do truly believe that. Because I want to be in that place with all of my ex's.
I was just as honest in return, and said how I wish me and Joe were because I missed him dearly as a friend. He was understanding and it felt natural, we have both had very similar years.
I do hope I get to see him before Christmas. I'm going to make him something. I'm not sure what though, but it has to be absolutely amazing!
It was all so lovely. I feel as though we get closer every time we meet. I hope he feels the same way too, I think he does. He said it was likely he was going to mention me when he met his ex, he was worried about it being awkward but I just acted cool about it. I guess ultimately, I don't mind what he says to her. As long as neither of them want to be with each other, then it's fine with me. I just love how open he is with me. It encourages me to be the same which is the first time I've ever felt like this with someone. Usually people make me want to be secretive.
He's going to the doctors today as he's decided to go back on medication, which I think is a really positive thing. It could really help everything move along, I do hope so. I am so hopeful for him, it's daft just how much.
Last night didn't feel appropriate to bring up heavy stuff about 'us' I don't think it's actually necessary at this point. I don't think he's going to run away, I just need to keep playing it cool and hope that we can progress and move further forward. I think that's the best way to be right now.
Nobody else crossed my mind last night. I felt only true happiness. I felt like me again.
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